to live is to let go

Been a while since I've posted here, but if you've not caught on yet, I write on here when my mind's too clouded with bad thoughts and need an outlet to release them. I've been, Alhamdulillah, focusing so much on The Taf, that that has been distracting myself from anything worthy of writing on here. That's a good thing, I've been trying to focus on positive things that could lead to a positive kick-start to my dream career. So with all that at the top of my priority, little things don't get to me as easily nowadays. But this year started on a good note, that turned really sour really quick. Hear me out.

Having a birthday so early in the year is a good thing. Although the new year technically makes you a year older automatically, I've always believed you really turn a year older on your birthday. Since mine's in January, it feels like I get to start off the year with a clean slate with hopeful wishes and new  determination. This year I've decided to start doing things for me, to benefit me, to do things that make me happy. I've lived 22 years making sure everyone's emotions are in check but mine. I do things for people too much. So much that when I don't, I sleep with a heavy heart.

And that has done so much to my mental health over the years. When you live to impress, you 1) give people the remote control to you life, 2) let people take advantage of the things you thought they'd appreciate, 3) have people think that any action that deviates from your usual is unusual. You give people the power to belittle you for not doing things that you've always done, when it's not even  your duty to do them anyways.

So as soon as I blew out the candles on my cake this 17th of January, I wished for a more me self that puts myself number 1, that does decisions without wondering if anyone else approves of it, that is finally in control of her own life.

But some people don't get it. Part of my journey to the person I want to be includes keeping very few of my closest even closer. I finally need people around me that makes me feel better about myself, not the other way 'round. So I did. My circle of friends have gotten smaller, I'm working on the best relationship with my family this year, it's all about quality and not quantity. But by doing this doesn't mean I'm pushing everyone else away from me. I'm just letting them stay in the position they've always been in my life without me pulling them any closer. Friendships, because it's not biologically bonded to us like family, is an effort between two or more parties, and that effort should really just be effortless. I don't need to feel like it's something forced; forced to go out with, forced to talk to, forced to laugh with. And I acknowledge that effort is a two-way road, and I admit that I stopped making any effort. I stopped. I stopped force-efforts towards things I never wanted anyway. At the end of the day, I'm living a life for myself and not anyone else's. So who do I owe all this to?

I get that some people might be taken aback with all this, and think I'm being incredibly unreasonable with my brusk words and actions, but that's only because they're so used to me not speaking my mind and tiptoeing around other people's feelings. To hell with that, that got me through more mental abuse than anything else. What happened to my feelings? What happened to my side of the story? I went through so much self-hate because of words of others, when they mean so little to me compared to what I though of myself. That has held me back from so many great opportunities - opportunities that I could never get back. And that's not right, and I'm never going to put myself through that anymore.

Hate me or love me, that is something I cannot control anymore. I no longer see other people's emotions as my burden, I've learned over the past 22 years that caring about what they feel never contributed positively to how I felt anyway. This sense of belonging I forced myself to believe was nothing but a way to make myself relevant to the people around me, but why bother? They always fail me anyway.

It's only the start

So I've just started my very last year of formal education,
that is if I don't decide to take up my masters degree - ask me today, I'd say never in a million years
*glares at my pile of untouched homework. But ask me when I start work, I'm probably already at a postgrad department begging them to let me in.

I honestly don't know how I feel about it. It might sound cliche for me to say it felt like just yesterday I was the new kid in Taman Tun and that now I'm 4 months away from graduation, but it really does.
Time went by so fast, and I don't know if it's a good thing.
Of course, there were moments time slowed down and I'm glad I felt those times with all my heart.
Time doesn't even slow down for regrets, because I can't say I properly remember any regrets from the past 4 years. It's like, when I'm just about to remember a regret, life just pushes me to the next opportunity. And that's great, really, but I don't get to learn from them before I step on my next mistake.

I have always been eager to start working. That explains all my summers occupying myself with every job that pays. Teaching, waitressing, barista-ing, you name it.
But now that I'm really, really close to it, I've clamped up and suddenly I don't want it anymore.
Although it's probably too late now to say it, but I wish I did more. And by doing, I mean experiencing every single aspect of being young and reckless.
I'd say I was pretty good and law-abiding (lmao) growing up. I've never seen the inside of a night club until I was legal to, drugs were (and still are, don't worry mum) very scary to me, and my perfect night was complete if I was in bed by 11pm.

In fact, my parents have always known me as the child that doesn't leave the house after 9pm.
My siblings, and even my youngest, are what I consider nocturnal and come home when I wake up.
One night, I decided to be slightly adventurous and chill with friends after 9pm, and my mum asked my dad, "Guess who's not home?", to which my dad replied, "Nadia? Zaim? Iman? ..huh, then who?".
I wasn't even an option, and I was already 21 years old then ok! LOL
But I guess I don't find it a bit insulting. It's not even a bit untrue, I am and will always be a morning person, ever since I could remember.
Getting up for school was a breeze, I'd actually even wake my maid up!
What's hard is making me agree to a lepak session after 7pm, haha.

Sorry, totally sidetracking.
Anyways, as I was saying. I feel like now that I'm almost working, this is all the time I have.
I won't be able to travel whenever I want anymore, no more "hm, I don't think I wanna go to class today" days, or the freedom to have late weekdays.
Not that I'm saying I wished I had downed as much alcohol as I was expected of as a teen growing up in KL, slept and dated with everyone I thought was remotely attractive, or spent nights at mamaks.
Those things were never tempting to me anyway. I just wished I had spent more nights out in cities I've never traveled to, talking to people I've always thought I couldn't, and not caring as much about what people thought of me instead of what I thought of me.
Of course, working life isn't going to completely cut me off of those opportunities, but I'd have annual leaves that I can't simply apply for just to have beach getaways, office hierarchies that I can only reference off the dramas I've watched (and they're scary - sunbaes..) and bosses that I have to impress even when I don't think they deserve a second of my kindness.

But again, the World operates in odder ways than we expect it to be.
Who knows? The job I land might just require me to travel to sunny beaches and snowy mountains for a living, or I might have the most fun bunch of coworkers that all love me, or become my own boss with absolutely no one to impress.

Besides, I'm only a year into my twenties. So here's to a new start.

A Change

When life takes you on full speed, you don't jump out the car. You go with the tide, you just live the life you've got. Right?

I've now realised how difficult it is to maintain friendships with no effort from both parties.
I am grateful, alhamdulillah, for the friends that I've known at every stage of my life. They all played a crucial role while I was growing up and made me the person I am today, but do I owe them my whole life?

There were phases in my life that has lead me to different places, giving me the opportunity to meet different people, experiencing different things.
That doesn't mean I forget any part of my past, be it a person, a place or a memory.
Everything that has happened has lead to my today, and I don't regret a thing. But that being said, I have also experienced some things that turned into lessons for me never to repeat.
So I admit, I select the things that I want to bring with me to my next phase in life.

And that includes people. I am very, or at least I've become, much more selective with my group of friends. New friends, existing friends. I pick and choose who I want with me.
Friends are so important to anyone's life. They make or break you, the kind of people you surround yourself with. I never quiet knew this before, but I do now.

When I was younger, I was very passive with my selection of friends. I'd say my insecurity was to blame.
I never thought anyone would be friends with me, so when someone shows interest to be, I'd allow them and keep them really close to me.
That has done more harm than good, I've been through some brutal betrayal during this time.
My birthday parties would consist of an almost 100 pax guest list, and I probably knew 10 of them.

Then I started straying away and moved into my next phase. Seclusion.
I remember when I entered college, I changed into such a quiet person. I was in UNMC back then, doing my foundation course and eventually my 1st year of degree.
I would lock myself in my dorm room, walk to classes with headphones on and eyes on the ground.
It was to the point where everyone would just assume I didn't want to leave the room, that no one started to ask me out anymore. It was just a given, I wasn't going to go anyway.
That was such a drastic change from my high school self, where I would be attending events at different parts of the city as the President of my school's Interact Club! Yup, queen of interaction..
I guess you can say I was testing to see which 2 polar sides of the personality table I was in.

Now that my year abroad to the UK has forced me to channel my initial persona, having to make friends and maintain friendships, I think I've got a solid conclusion.
I think I'm a bit of both, but I become one or the other when I surround myself with different people.

If I have to be really honest, I like myself when I was slightly more chatty, cheerful and kecoh.
I realise that I am still like that, but to and in front of a very few people. And I want to only surround myself with people like that so I can finally love a version of myself, constantly.
But that means I'd have to let go of some people in my life that might have been there throughout, but no longer contribute to my happiness or motivation to become better.

It might sound cruel, but it's the truth. I guess I have no choice but to be a little stern with my stand.
There are friends that I've just met that has made me much happier than some that have been with me all my life, and that happens. Some people are just more compatible with me than others.
And it only sounds vile because I'm only realising it now. Had I rejected them as my close friends from the start, though still cruel, would sound much nicer than dropping them after years of knowing.
But these things, knowing people and knowing yourself, they take time. Years, decades even.

And that should be alright. Not only for me, but for everyone.
We all grow up, and eventually away from some people. Thing is, some people can't accept it.
I can't stick with the same group of people just because I'm scared to break away, especially if they don't impact our lives as close as some friends we've just met.

That's why it always irritates me when someone says "Oh, ajak.." in a sarcastic manner, as though they have to be, by default, involved in our lives just because they were a part of it.
There's a reason I've chosen to not invite you (bigger picture: involve you in my life) anymore.
Stop making people apologetic for moving on and growing as a person, even if that means not having you around anymore. It's okay, it's not anyone's fault. It's just incredible how much time changes us.

I know I'm all talk now, but I'm always really scared to apply this in actual life.
I'm a big planner, and plan birthdays way in advance, and am already looking for places for my 22nd.
This time, in contrast to my previous birthdays, I'm limiting myself to the people that I truly am close to, and that means people I talk on a regular basis & am actually comfortable with.
Not even necessarily those I call "best friends" very loosely and only by default.
I feel like if I don't do this now, it's just going to be bottled frustration and ultimately, not worth it.

If any of you read this and find me being distant from you, more than before, just know that I'm going through a slight change that's necessary for me to grow to a person I want to start being.
You were a beautiful part of my life, and will always be, but some people are meant for other people.
Friendships should never be forced. Friendships should be so natural and automatic that you think of them right off the bat when you think of your future.
Thank you for having me in your life and being in mine, but this next step I'm going on now focuses a bit more on me (and I think it's about damn time my own life was about me) and the people that matter to me at this moment, and probably no more of you.

I won't apologise for it because it's honestly no one's fault. Not mine for wanting what's best for me, and absolutely not yours.
Again, your presence in my previous stages of life will always be precious to me.
Life is always unexpected, and if by some twist of fate we end up cross passing each other's path in the future, I hope you stay for it.

Until then, I'll see you around.

Lonesome

Being lonely is often seen as a curse, but I enjoy some time off anybody's company.
I love being friends with the people I'm friends with, and being around people I surround myself with,
but there's just this thing about having absolutely no one else and also absolutely loving it.

A friend tweeted an article about this bunch of 20-somethings experiences on their solo travels,
and I was so inspired. Being that young and having traveled by themselves half way across the World.
Many of them traveled out of pure spontaneity, and some even to clear their mind from breakups.
I'd need to actually be in a relationship to escape out of it, but imagine having so much anger in you and letting it all out with purchasing tickets to another city on the next available date.

I've actually traveled solo myself, but I don't know if it really counts.
It was during my 21st birthday, it was in the midst of exams and no one could spare some time.
But it was my damn 21st birthday, I wasn't going to spend it on my bed watching shows. I looked up the nearest city I could go without breaking the bank, on the nearest date possible.
Found Edinburgh pretty interesting and that was that.
Train ticket booked, airbnb sorted. Was leaving the next day, told the parents the night before.
Arrived in a city foreign enough to get a little lost the second I reached, but I loved every second of it.
I'm so grateful the people of Edinburgh were amazingly helpful, it made the trip so much better.
I stayed in an apartment with 2 Americans who have been residing in Scotland for almost 6 years, they decided to move half way across the world on their first vacation to England - ever.
That's a whole level of spontaneity that I can only dream to achieve.

I spent my 3 days in Scotland just doing things I wanted to do, things I loved.
Had cakes for breakfast, breakfast for dinner. Left the house at 6am and took a 40 minute walk to the train station in January weather, spent my nights in different bars (met a couple that loved my name so much that they wanted to name their next child after me), talking to strangers at every corner.
I had no one's rules to follow, I had no one to tell me what to do. I could do everything I wanted to.
The trip ended up to be my favourite trip I've ever taken. Even though it was only a 5-hour train ride from Nottingham, I felt like I was in another World because of how different I was.

Solo traveling is so liberating and freeing, I wonder why I didn't do it earlier.
There's always this thing about safety, and the fear Taken has instilled in all parents for them to ever let their child go anywhere alone, but it's not all that bad.
To me, you can go anywhere in the World with a group of people, if you aren't cautious of your surroundings, it's still going to be dangerous anyway.
Edinburgh is relatively safe, but the trip could take a turn for the worst had I not been careful.
I made sure to not do anything stupid, not to walk back alone too late, literally..just common sense.

But not just traveling, I feel like sometimes doing anything alone is better.
I've personally never liked shopping with someone else, I like taking my own sweet time with my retail therapy, and that might not be the case with some people.
Seeing them wait outside the store or lug themselves around me freaks me out and I'm always so pressured to be quick and rush my purchases, only to regret them later.
When I shop alone, I make purchasing decisions for myself, not caring if anyone likes them or judging me about the amount of money I tend to splurge on myself....

Also! Eating alone is definitely not sad.
Don't get me wrong, conversations over coffee and cakes is one of my favourite pastimes.
If you text me for a meet up when I'm free, you bet my ass gon' be there.
I semi-hate texting and phone calls, and much prefer meeting someone personally, so casual hangouts are just my thing. I can spend hoooo-urs talking, I'll even tell you my life story if you let me.
But I've got a rather unique, not-so-Malaysian tastebud. I don't eat rice, veggies aren't my thing, I try eating healthy but I want some flavour in my food, I love cakes but not the sweet kind. It's weird.
Sometimes people don't like the things I eat, I totally get it. I wouldn't eat with me if I were you, too.
But I still gotta eat, right? I get you and all, but I like my kind of food. If that means I'm gonna have to have them by myself at an odd hour on a weekday, so be it.
I don't necessarily enjoy awkward phone-scrolling lunch breaks, but I really don't mind it.
I get to eat my favourite foods, and I get time to stalk my crushes on the low. A win-win, really.

The last time I had a boyfriend was almost 4 years ago, and absolutely no action since. LOL.
That may seem like a freaking lifetime to some, "some" being the person I feel like I was before.
My god, the rush I was in to get into another relationship. But whyyyyyy, young Tania?
My 4 years of solo saw many relationships crash, made it to the altar, and gone stronger or weaker.
To be honest, I'm pretty glad I stayed boy-less for the most parts of my late teen.
I was going through some real indecisive things, and I don't need a man to complicate things.
Not gonna lie, there were more than a handful of times I've seen some things that made me want to have someone with me all the time, but I trust God's plans with these things.
Isn't all too bad being single in my early twenties. I get to create more friendships without anything (or anyone) stopping me, I do so many of my decision by myself, I get to use this time to build a more concrete relationship with parents & siblings.
Of course, I do plan to meet someone sometime soon, but whenever the time comes.

I genuinely believe that to achieve the things I want, to really be happy with where I am now, to have someone love me, is when I go out and achieve things myself, love the things and place I am in now, and to love myself before I let anyone love me.
It's going to take a while for all that, but I'm willing to do things on my own for a little more time to get all that.

Hear me out

So you're teaching? In a secondary school?

Wow, that says a lot about the education system in Malaysia,

even a non-graduate is able to teach in schools.

Surprisingly, I've been getting this same response from friends and family after finding out that I'm a part-time teacher, but there's more to it. 

I feel partly responsible for indirectly giving our schooling system a bad name, so allow me to explain what I do, how I got it and why what everyone has been saying isn't true. 

Yes, yes I am teaching in a secondary government school as a teacher. I am teaching as a substitute for a teacher who will be on maternity leave for the next 3 months. 

When something like this happens (maternity leave, emergency leave, Hajj special leave, etc), the school recruits part-time teachers to take over classes. 

If not, students that are affected by the absence of these teachers will be left with an existing substitute teacher, and we all know what happens. Everyone ends up doing their own work throughout the entire period. 

In my case, the teacher on leave coincidentally has all the exam-preparing forms (3 and 5), so I felt so bad when my mum told me they were going to be left to learn by themselves.

The school I'm teaching in is already short on teachers, and if I don't come in, they'd all have to add more classes on their plate. 

I thought, y'know what. I'm bored and free, I can speak good-enough English, my mum's in that school if I need any guidance, why the hell not. 

What I am doing is not illegal, by the way. They actually do do this when there is a short of teachers.

I don't get paid nor am I recognised by the Ministry of Ed., I get paid by the school's PIBG. 

As for eligibility, let's touch on that for a bit, shall we. 

This school, and I speak for the majority of the students here, have an extremely low proficiency of the English language. They struggle and fail the subject. 

For someone who has been speaking English since I was born, has a mum in the school to help with lesson plans, abundance of books to refer to (hello, it's 2017 ya), I think I'm good for now. 

And besides, some of these kids are even illiterate. I come into class with material much, much lower than they should be learning. 

But at least they're learning. Had I not taken up this offer, they would have zero educational intake for the next 3 months. 

So rather than coming up with skeptical assumptions that the schooling system is undervaluing students of this nation by shoving any Tom, Dick and Harry into schools to teach, commend them for allowing such opportunities like these to happen. 

It's a win-win, the students don't spend this next critical few months completely alone, a non-grad gets to experience the dip into the working life. 

Also, there is a short of teachers, in general, in the Ministry of Education. My mum used to tell me how hard it was to get posted to schools because of the abundance of teachers.
Nowadays? Not so much. No one wants to become a teacher anymore.
Low pay, early mornings, dealing with children. No, thanks..

But personally, from someone who's only done it for a mere month or so, I can tell you that this job is the most rewarding of all.
The people we glorify and aspire to be, they are what they are because of this group of people we take for granted.
"It's their job, they're just doing what they do to get by", that's true. It is their jobs to teach, but those who teach with such passion and hope for nothing but the best for you, that's a choice they make everyday they step into school.
My mum says her heart is always so full when she bumps into an ex-student on the streets and they tell her they've gone on to become successful people.
I can't imagine how proud I'd be if it were to happen to me, but even when my students come up to me with a clear, full English sentence, I feel like I'm on top of the World.

Believe me, teaching is the most selfless job out there. They do what they do, expecting nothing in return except everything that benefits you.
To be apart of this group of people, even for just one summer, has humbled me.

So I highly encourage anyone that is presented with an opportunity to teach, do it.
Be it through the same way I did, or through organisations like Teach for Malaysia, do it & do it willingly, because chances are those who want it most desperately are those who don't ask for it.
Insha Allah, if given another chance to, I definitely would. 

A Year Abroad, pt.2

Where was I? 

Oh, right. Spring! 

This was my view to my classes everyday. I could barely see the ground anymore, it was filled with flowers as far as the eyes could see!

Don't mind the clouds. It was still pretty cold out, but that didn't stop flowers from blooming. 

But on many other days, the sun was out and shining as ever. 

One thing I've learned being away from Malaysia is that you really do appreciate things when they're taken away from you. Sun was one of them for me. 

Back in Malaysia, you would never hear me say I was grateful for the heat, but that was all I was wishing for in the UK. 

On some days, it got so hot that I went with my day.. sans jacket! That's major. 

We decided to go on a picnic & boating one day, but scraped the latter because of the hour wait. 

To be honest, all I thought that day was, "Finally, ice-cream!". My housemates always had ice-cream stocked in the fridge, even during winter. I could barely take cold water, ice-cream was definitely a no-go for me. So to finally have it.. Yes. 

We were the only ones on the park with 1) a blanket, 2) a spot under a shade.
The locals were having fun in the sun with very minimal clothing, no blankets, no sunglasses. It was like a round of "SPOT THE ASIANS", they're probably going all out because they get like, 1 week of sun a year. We, on the other hand, would all eventually return to Malaysia and get sick of it.
So we were all like, omg yay sun, alright now where's the shade. 

Not too soon after, we went to a Canola Field! I honestly was in such awe when I first saw them from the tram.
If you're in the Nottingham area, take the tram to the very last stop of the line, Clifton South.
From the stop, it's a 10 minute walk to the fields. You'll spot it when you're on the way to the stop, so you'll know exactly where to go.

If I'm gonna be really honest, the lot of us don't know if it's entirely legal to be on the field.. Haha!
It wasn't a proper tourist destination of any sort, we had to rough it out and figure things ourselves.
This is a proper plantation, so we made sure to minimise killing of any plant as much as we could, though I wish I could see we actually did..

Here's a tip if you're interested in going:
1) Don't wear anything black. Pants, shoes, bags. You'll leave with yellow marks everywhere. They're also pretty tough to get rid off. Wear yellow.
2) Don't wear any open footwear. Wear sneakers, and make sure they're your most comfortable pair.
3) I'd say if you're careful enough, you can ignore this. But if you're a natural klutz like yours truly, you might be unpleasantly surprised with some of our Ivy friends if you wear skirts. I wore cropped pants, and ended scratching my legs the entire time.

 

But nonetheless, it was worth the leg-scratching, nights spent scrubbing yellow pollen off your pants & going through suspiciously dangerous bushes. 

We got beautiful photos, and an even better time together. 

I'd say my second semester there was more eventful than the first. 

I traveled to more places and met more people. It was the season of Malaysian Nights, an event by Malaysian for Malaysians. Mostly theatre by students. 

I went on a road trip and stayed over Cardiff for a night with Hanna, Ewa & Iman - and the boys (too many of them to name). It was my first trip with them, and I'd say I laughed more than I talked. 

Cardiff was actually much better than I thought it was. Nadia always told me it was like a kampung, but they've got a pretty epic Zara. And I judge all cities by their Zaras. Cardiff, you're a pass!

Then it was Warwick. I went there alone and stayed with Sharul for 2 nights, one night attending the Malaysian Night at their very own Arts Centre. 

Warwick Uni was impressive, can't say the same about the actually city. 

I've actually been there before when Mama took Nadia and I there years ago. Mum's a (proud) alumni of the university, but even she ran to London every opportunity she could. LOL. 

Warwick's MN did it for me. Definitely the best, out of the ones I attended. And apparently it wasn't even their best year! If I stayed in Nottingham longer, I'd defo' join for my own. 

Although I stayed in Coventry the longest, I didn't take any videos except of some from the Malaysian Night. I really should've, I had so much fun. 

Sharul hosted my stay, and I got to meet so many people. Also, who knew playing Just Dance on PS4 would be the best thing ever ??? I need it in my life right now. 

Then it was back to actually facing the books. Before I knew it, assignments started to pile up and I had to cut down my drama-watchings to get them done. 

For Spring break, Hanna & Batu invited me for a trip to Portugal. It's only a bit over an hour flight to Porto, our first stop. 

I absolutely loved it there! Much more than Lisbon, if I've to be really honest. 

It didn't have the capital city vibe that I'm not too sure I like very much. It was so relaxed, so serene but with the Portuguese vibe. The whole city was colourful, vibrant and absolutely breath-taking, but if you just stopped and stared into the glistening water of Doura river, a sense of calmness just takes over. 

The Doura River

Thankfully for us, the weather was just amazing. Compared to the rainy, still-chilly Nottingham, this was such a breath of fresh air! The wind was so strong, but it stayed sunny throughout our trip.

I fell in love with the buildings in Porto. They were all pastel-coloured and just so authentically Europe. The tiles were never the same colour, and every block was different. 

And these were all someone's home! How pretty. 

This is Mr. Colin and Ms. Sharon. I don't actually know them, but they were both in KYUEM, Hanna & Batu's college. Mr. Colin taught History there. 

They've since moved to Porto (how cool?!), and we spent the day with them. Thanks to them, we were able to discover and wander around the city like a local. 

They were so kind to treat us for lunch, tea and dinner! The kindest people ever, I swear. 

Also! This picture was actually taken on a sidewalk. They had big billboard-like things that had cameras on them, so you could pose and send them to yourself via email. 

But of course, everyone else on the sidewalk was either in the photo as well, or were staring. Haha!

It was a quick, sweet trip to Porto, and then we were off to our 2nd and last destination: Lisbon. 

Lisbon was undoubtably beautiful, as we expected, but because it was the capital city of Portugal, it was much more commercialised and busy. And had way too many tour groups. 

Throughout our Portugal trip, we only went on walking tours. We thought, "How do we see every part of the city, not burn holes in our wallets and burn off all the food we had during the trip?". Answer's pretty simple; walking tours! They go on for 2 hours on average, and all the one's I've been on, the guides were simply hilarious. But of course, you have to take the weather into context. My walking tour in York during English "spring" was just asking for it. 

We spent a whole day in the city of Sintra. That's an hour train from Lisbon. You know the colourful castle that's on a hill everyone takes a photo with when they go to Lisbon? Yup that's not actually in Lisbon.. 

We didn't enter the castle, because I think that's a 30 euro entry ticket. Instead, we went to Quanta de Regalia. We found out after we left that the place was haunted. Hah. 

The area was acres and acres large, and it was actually someone's residence. A family of I think not more than 5 people. They had waterfalls in their garden, ok.. 

Then a Japanese took over after being abandoned for some while, then it was taken back by the Portuguese government to turn it into a tourist attraction. 

Can't lie, it was a bit creepy, but an experience nonetheless. 

After I got back from Portugal, I had to focus on my last few assignments & Korean exam. 

And before I knew it, I had only a week left in Nottingham! 

By this time, the sun had already come out and it was proper summer time. Took you a while, dinnit Nottingham.. 

The boys over at Beeston had their last potluck gathering, and I went with my Victoria Sandwich cake and hand-made curry puffs. 

It was so nice to see everyone one last time - not that I wouldn't see them again, but seeing everyone in one place all together. 

It was during the fasting month so we broke our fast together (at 9.20pm - geez..) and stayed back to chat and just chill. I think I stayed back for sahur too! 

The very next day, I took the first bus out to London, and that was my final goodbye to Nottingham. 

I stayed in London for 4 days with Zaim & Bazil before heading home to KL. Did some last minute shopping & one last look at UK. 

Flight back was unexpectedly empty, but smooth. Was greeted by Papa at KLIA since everyone else was at work. 

The moment I reached home, I slept for 8 hours LOL. I barely slept on the plane because I was watching all the Harry Potter series. 

13 hours seems very short when you're immersed into intense movies that are almost 4 hours long each. 

Now I'm home, and this is a incredibly belated blog post about my second half year abroad. 

I don't regret anything that happened, or didn't happen, when I was there. Although I wished I had a bit more time, I think a year was too soon to really get to meet new people.

But the people I was honoured to meet, I will forever cherish. 

Until the next time I do something as spontaneous as applying for a year abroad a week before applications were closed, see you!

xx

I taught, I learned.

"Tania! My friend asked if you want to teach at my school to ganti Pn. ** while she's on maternity leave"

"Me?? No lah, tak nak. I can't teach!" 

And two weeks later, I found myself in a school I've never been to, as a teacher. 

My mum's a teacher, has been for 20+ years now, and a few years ago she moved to this secondary school somewhere in Kuala Lumpur. Compared to the previous school she taught, this school gave her a bit of a headache, to say the least. 

She was from a school where most students could speak perfect English, essays were 5 pages long, decent family background, living in a prestigious postcode.  

Her new school was different. Students came from the rougher parts of this city, almost every student in her class were eligible for zakat, and most have lived without parents all their lives. 

By no means does that have any correlation with their proficiency in English, but the language was definitely not a priority for them. These kids start working full-time adult jobs at the ages of 14 to support their families, studying wasn't a priority for them - can you imagine a whole other language?

My mum warned me beforehand about it, so the morning of, I mentally prepared myself.

I practiced a couple of stern expressions in front of my mirror, just in case these kids don't listen to me. I had a script, I practiced it again and again. 

Yeah, alright.

This should be a breeze. 

No, sit down right now, or else get out of my class.

Yup ok, sounds garang enough, I've got this. 

Spoiler alert. Ended up saying none of those and more of a,

Err guys quiet please.. Guys.. please.

Boy, boy. Sit down please. Please stop wrestling your friends!

Put that bottle down pleaseeeeeee

Ok so maybe garang wasn't for me. So I tried a new tactic, I tried to become their friend. 

They listen to their friends, so if I were to be one of them, they'd listen to me. 

And true enough, they did. First order of business, please don't bring your textbooks.

I remember how useless they were, and what a pain it was to bring them to every English class. 

At first I just couldn't comprehend why it was so hard for them to learn English. It felt so simple to me. 

Then I put myself in their shoes. Learning a new language is tough, and you've got to get the right approach from the start for them to stick to it. 

Just like how learning Korean is for me. I might sound like an idiot to a Korean native, but to those who don't know the language, I was a freaking genius. 

Fortunately for me, the teacher I was taking over had a good mix of classes. A few first and second classes, and a couple of the back classes. 

I treated the first week as a trial and error to test their level, to suit the materials I would then have to prepare. 

As expected, it was a case of the two extremes. I had the first class of the form 5s, and they were a fun bunch to teach because 1) they were only 4 years younger, 2) I could use harder, mind-challenging materials that helped me too. 

But what, I feel, changed me as a person and a student, was teaching the weaker students. 

Sometimes I leave the classes with tears in my eyes, looking down while they say their standard "thank you"s, and sometimes I leave with such a warm heart and a smile.

I realised so many things teaching these kids. When I was doing my SPM back in school, I use to curse the ministry of education. Why is it so easy? How are we suppose to progress as a nation that prioritises English if I'm still learning tenses in form 5?! 

Then I realised. I may find it easy, but these kids - living in KL! Can you imagine those outside the city? - don't even know the difference between "an" and "a". 

But a teacher can only do so much for the students, and the rest is really up to them.
So when I teach classes that prefer to sleep through the entire 3 periods, I get so sad. Not so much because I didn't have the opportunity to teach, but because they don't give themselves the opportunity to learn.
And if they only knew how important the essentials are at this age.
Like I said, us as teachers can really do so much if they aren't willing to give it a go.
Even though there were many students like that, I never leave a class not teaching, even if one out of 26 students are listening.
That one student listening keeps me going. As the weeks went by, I realise that it's not that they don't want to do it, but they're so used to people giving up on them. I can't be one of those people who do.

This one boy, I won't name him, in one of the upper forms - he didn't know how to read, let alone write.
The class he was in, all the boys couldn't. But he stood out because his improvement within the four weeks I taught him was so impressive, I had to dedicate this paragraph to him.
Whenever I entered his class, I would have to personally give everyone a shake to wake them up from their slumber. But they'd continue sleeping anyway.
Not this one boy. He was always awake, and stayed awake.
He couldn't read, so I started there with some ladybug books I brought. Slow but steady progress.
I could still remember his face when he managed to read the entire 8-page book without my help.
Then he started speaking to me in English. He'll tell me to wait, as he constructs the sentence in his head for 5 minutes before finally saying,

"I want..go..t-tandas?"

 "Oh, you want to go to the toilet? Yeah, alright. But five minutes only!"

"Ah yes yes, I want to go to the toilet!" 

The next class, he could ask me the same question without hesitation and in full! 

Then I started asking him, "How are you? Well?", to which he now asks me every single time he sees me outside class. It's so cute!

Ok cue the music, here's the sad story behind his illiteracy, but also his burning desire to learn. 

He never knew what a home was. At the age of 7, his parents gave him up to a home because they had no money to raise him up. He had no other siblings.
He stayed with his grandfather, who was equally as poor but willing to take him in, but eventually went into a home after the passing of his grandfather.
The home he was in was specifically for children with parents whom are still alive, but could not afford their children's living costs.
He told me he has seen some of his friends in the home get visits from their parents during result day.
It's been a good year and a half since he saw his mom, and he doesn't have high hopes seeing her anytime soon, but when he does, he wants his mom to brag about him to everyone.

Not knowing whether or not your parents want to see you, but having so much hope they do.
I couldn't hold my tears (thank God the other students were fast asleep), and so I asked him if he was okay, to which he replied, "Takpa, cikgu. Saya okay. Dah dekat 10 tahun dah ni, takkan belum terbiasa dah". 
He said that with such a steady tone, as if he has been telling himself that for so many years to actually believe those words. I know for a fact he is, and probably will always be, really sad.

When I told my mom this, she said she has heard sadder, more heart-breaking stories.
I used to always judged these notorious kids so quick, but actually getting to know them has taught me so much about them, and myself.
There really is more than meets the eye, and they really aren't as frightening as they seem.
The more I taught, the more I learned; about people, about myself, and about life.

Hardships can be a blessing in disguise to some, but sometimes it breaks people.
And feeling broken can turn people into stronger beings, like the boy I talked about, and sometimes it takes you down a bad, slippery slope, and you end up becoming someone you never wanted to be.
Some of these kids I teach, they do what they do (tarnish their school records) because that's the only way they get attention from their parents. Some do it because they have to seek attention from somewhere or someone else.
People do things for a reason, no one just becomes who they are without any influence.
I get these kids, they've got to let it out somewhere, and since they - by law - are required to be in school most of their youth, they let it out here.
So all we have to do now is to understand, and give them enough attention so they wouldn't need to express their desperation for it on other things.

The teacher I replaced is now back from her leave, so I'm currently jobless.
But another teacher will be going off for her maternity leave (some kind of baby boom happenin' at that school..), and I'll be restarting teaching the last week of this month.

And contrary to how I felt before I started, I absolutely can't wait.