Preference

I've just brought home part 1 of my entire dorm room in uni, hoping to finally pack everything up to bring back after my exams next week. Time flies so fast, I'm already done with my 1st year of degree!

It still takes me a while to register that I'm twenty this year, and no longer a teenager. 

I swear I was 12, like, yesterday. With my horribly edited pouting display picture on MySpace and all. 

(Mental note: never revisit that memory) 

But of course, time waits for no man, and life goes on - like a bullet train, I must add. 

While I was cleaning my room at home to make way for the things I'll bring back from uni, I realized I threw out more than I kept. Books, posters, everything. I realized I just didn't like them anymore.

To think that I've only bought or kept them for no longer than a year, did my preference in things change that fast? 

The same with clothes, too. When I look through my closet, despite being full to the brim and will barf out clothes anytime soon, I can never pick something up and be satisfied. 

It's always the same, "But.. I don't like it anymore" or "What was I thinking.." 

But I can swear to you I must've loved it enough at the store to even pay for it (I'm either too lazy, or too broke - in most cases, both). 

In fact, I've actually found myself liking things I never thought I would, like, ever. 

And then it hit me, I get bored of things way too easily. I'm that person that likes something so (too) much, and borderline obsesses over it, and then done. Good bye, forever! 

Random fact about me, I've joined piano lessons, jazz dance lessons, clay pottery lessons, art classes and cooking classes when I was younger, none lasted more than an academic year. 

I would go all out for 3-4 months, got ready an hour before these classes, patiently waiting in front of the clock, and then the magic fades after a while. 

I know I made me sound like a sad, unmotivated, soulless child, but it's the truth! 

It was definitely a case of lack of intrinsic motivation, because I can swear I've only had the most enthusiastic bunch of teachers for those classes. 

My piano classes were the freaking play by ear type, and anyone who knows me knows I'm tone deaf with zero knowledge of music, so for my teacher to not have committed suicide teaching a student like me was incredibly impressive. 

Mentioned in my previous post, the chubby, belly-bulging 10-year-old Tania dancing jazz numbers at the annual dance recital was an accomplishment for both me & my dance coach (..especially my dance coach). 

My interest for something would skyrocket, and then come plunging down, then I'd pick up a new hobby, and the trend continues. My mum has, since, given up on caring about my hobbies. 

Let's not get started with my sudden craze with K-pop. Hah, who say that coming, right..

What I found stayed constant in my life, though, was my interest in fashion and Korea(ns). 

Even then (!) I keep losing interests within it, like I've never stuck to one fashion style for more than a month. I'd get all excited about it, then I'll go all Meh!.

Same with my music preference and dramas, it takes a lot for me to stick with a 15-episode drama right up 'til the end. Heck, it takes a lot for an episode to not make me exit the page in the first 20 minutes. That's why I go all out proclaiming my love for a boy/girl group or a good drama.

It takes a lot for me to stick by them. (I'd like to take this opportunity to promote Reply 1988 and She Was Pretty, I've seen both dramas thrice!)

Hobbies and K-pop aside, my change in taste in men have scarily surprised me. Have I, Tania Zainudin, finally.. grown.. up? Maybe, or maybe everyone's taken and I'm just bitter. Jk!

Like any teen girl (I say this like I'm 30, it's only been a year since), my dream was to call someone with a face like Mr. Efron mine and no one else's, even with a heart as cold as ice.

Don't care! Be as cold-hearted as you want! I just need you to be in my Instagram photos for other girls to gawk at and be center stage of everyone's envy. 

It's a whole other story now, and it's not that I've ever dated anyone even close to looking like Zac (laughing with tears in my eyes as I type), but heck, looks ain't going to last. 

I don't know why I never thought of that, did I think boys wouldn't age when I was 12?! Stupid. 

Found this somewhere online one day, and thought that I'd never read something so true in my life.

After I did the first line of the quote, only a handful (ONE HAND) of boys I know came up in my mind. And none of them I'd ever thought of as a boyfriend or a life-partner. 

Which says a lot about me, doesn't it? Hahah. I'm all about honesty on my blog, people! 

But it definitely made me reevaluate all the boys I've ever dreamt of being with, I realized that none were beyond looks, which in my defense, is reasonable! It's usually the first thing you see and it definitely is the first thing that captivates you at first sight. 

Now, however, I refuse to let it be the determining factor of whether or not I like someone. I have to teach myself to differentiate between liking and thinking someone's good-looking, which are two totally different things. 

And everyone else has to, too! Because ever so often when I tell someone I find a boy handsome, they're so quick to go, "Ooh, Tania likes someone!". NO. 

I don't like attaching a person to my ideals. Like, I don't like saying so-and-so is husband goals because that's just going to set you up for some major disappointment, gurlfriend. 

No two people in this World are the same, which I tend to forget. I can only have traits that I want as a husband and find them in people, but never wish to have an image of another individual as "#goals".

And the traits are exactly that in the quote. I plan on having a family not too long after marriage (I will probably stab myself in the face 5 years down the road, but for now, let's just say that), so I definitely look for a fatherly, paternal, children-loving trait in men. No questions about that. 

Not many boys I know are particularly like that, not that I blame them for this, 20 might be too young for them to think about changing diapers everyday. 

Besides being a good dad, a man who is head over heels for me would be the cherry on top. 

And I mean, really in love with me. By me, I mean every single aspect of my being, my family, my choices, my ambitions and my dreams. Not a yes-man kind of person, God knows how much I hate people who agree with me and don't know why. 

Disagreements can mean having two totally different ideas on something, but if you truly care about someone, they provide an opportunity for two people to incorporate both ideas into one by finding a middle ground. Which I find to be the meaning of marriage in the first place. 

Most of all, I want a husband that feels the exact same way on this. I want him to still want me without make-up (which is the state I will be in 95% of the time, probably even worse during pregnancy), during every financial crisis we face, and through every fight. 

And I do plan on working on myself to appeal to men like these, 'cause what's the use of wanting but not being wanted, right? Hahahahaha. Yeah. sigh. 

Also (!) I'm not saying that I'd complain and shut the door on their face if someone who looks like Kim Jongin comes knocking, 'num sayin' now? 

I'm kidding!

How did I end up talking about my future husband when I started with having no clothes to wear from my closet?

You can tell from here what I deem important in my life, huh? LOL 

Piano? Meh. Dance class? Meh. But K-POP & HUSBAND MATERIAL.. Let's have 4 paragraphs each! 

x

Tania

Apr'16 Favourites

1. Fashion

Since it's study week, and weeks approaching study week is filled with assignment due dates and such, I've found absolutely no time to get all dressed up for anything.
I'm always up 'til late and have 20 minutes at most to get myself together the next morning, which everyone would know, really means 5 minutes because I take a year to put on makeup.
No thanks to the stress the semester's putting on me, which shows on my face (population: acne), I've been spending more time on concealing spots and the Pradas under my eyes.

So, my favorites will be based on the looks I've seen online that I've discovered or re-discovered this month. Most are highly influenced and inspired by Korean fashion bloggers.

The trend started way before this year, but it's slowly making a comeback. Not so much in the French fashion world, where it started, but increasingly amongst Korean stars and fashion bloggers.

Being so associated with the French culture, and the French being so associated with elegance, berets are usually paired with clean-cut coats or with nothing at all (looking at you, Ms. Moss). 

Now, though, it's seen being paired with more casually looking clothes, which is amazing news to people like me who don't have anywhere fancy to go wearing a $5,000 designer coat. 

As much as I love it, it's way too inconvenient (and panas) to wear in KL, which is why I'm crossing my fingers for something big happening later this year that has something to do with me actually being able to wear this gorgeous piece of clothing.  

Possibly my favorite trend, dare I say, ever. 

I've always loved oversized shirts, much much more than those fitted women cut ones. I never buy those. I've got a weird body shape, and any piece of clothing that highlights that is a no-no.

And whenever I wear those shirts, I tend to roll or fold the sleeves up, which does work sometimes with the entirety of the outfit, but it's nothing special.

What I do now is get shirts 3-4 sizes bigger than my actual size, send them to alteration for everything but the sleeves. Weird, I know, I get judged by the tailor all the time.

Or if I don't have time (..money) to send them for alteration, I'll just chuck them all under my jeans, belt it, and tada! 

Not a big thing amongst international brands (yet), but I know Korean fashion houses have started to purposely make sleeves longer than the length of the shirt to create the sleeve paw effect, which I love love love. But since Korean clothes in KL costs an arm and a leg, I'll make do with what I have and make the tailor my new best friend. Until my next trip to SoKo. 

It is also, I might add, ustaz papa approved. It's loose and covers more skin? Brilliant! 

I'm basically instantly attracted to anything and everything in emerald this month. Everything, from jewelry, clothes, head pieces, pants. 

It's so regal, and I find that it compliments tan skin like mine, which not many colors do. 

2. Shows

We Got Married, Eric x Solar

To be honest, I've never been a fan of this show, despite it being my sister's main reason for mental breakdowns for some years already. 

I don't know, the idea of a virtual marriage and cameras following around a couple on dates just seem so unnatural and because the men in the relationship is usually a megastar in the Korean industry, the girl in the relationship always seems way too shy (or scared) to do anything. 

But because I'm personally a fan of both Solar and Eric, I decided to give their series a shot. 

And I looooooove it. It's only their 3rd episode, and they're so cute! So! Cute!

I think it's mainly because Eric's from the States, so he's definitely more open-minded than the rest of the men on the show, and Solar's just.. Solar. 

I will definitely continue watching, and will definitely cry when the season ends (yes, they have to "break up" when the producer tells them to - see! exactly why i didn't like this show before!) 

Page Turner

Masya Allah, Page Turner.... sigh. Jisoo........ sigh...

Don't know if this can be considered a "show", because it's only 3 episodes long. So it's technically a 3-part movie, aired a part a week. 

I might be biased, it might not be everyone's cup of tea, not everyone's going to enjoy this as much as I did, probably due to the fact that I am deeply in love with Jisoo, and everything he says or do makes me want to jump out the building with a smile on my face. 

Jisoo starred in a movie with my main bae, Suho, and has since then created a beautiful friendship that I can only wish to be a part of one fine day. 

But besides just being Suho's best friend, he is an amazing actor. I honestly don't know if he becomes the character or the character becomes him, because he is an extremely shy person in interviews, but he oozes personality in his films. 

This drama is also very different from all the other dramas I've watched because although the casts are two male lead and one female lead, you'd think a love story is definitely due. But it's not! 

Which, tbh, not too sure I was happy about because I'm dying to see boyfriend Jisoo. 

3. Music on Replay

Sam Kim ft. Crush, No Sense

Ariana Grande, Be Alright

Dynamic Duo, 날개뼈 (Hot Wings)

4. Reads

I'm not a book person, in all honesty. I can never go through a story book without stopping mid-way because it's all too predictable. Only very few books have seen me go through it cover to cover.

(Girl from the Train is one of them. From a girl who doesn't read so much, believe me - it's good!)

But this one.. oh, this one's too good. It's not a fictional story book, which is exactly why I love it.

It's about Amy herself, self-narrating her (hilarious) life through stories about being an unfashionable "somebody" in the fashion industry. 

She talks about her first job during fashion week with borrowed heels she swore to never wear ever in her life, interviews with the likes of Anna Wintour & Adriana Lima (and her unsaid monologues during), and the ugly beginnings everyone dreaming about being in the industry has to know about.

I love her humor, her honesty, and how her stories are strangely comforting. Knowing someone who started with zero knowledge on fashion and a burning desire to go far in the industry now has people like Bryanboy reading her self-written book. #goals 

4. People I can't take my eyes off 

@redvelvet.smtown 

This comeback is the best looks for my girls, ugh beauty multiplied by 5.

@nctunit

Ten, Thai in a Korean boy group, has the longest name that I will not try to pronounce, beautiful smile and dances like a dream. Younger than me by 15 days, but who's counting.

{Aimee} @songofstyle

{Dani} @songdani

My absolute favorite power sisters. I look up to these two like no other, hope Nadia & I get to be the Malaysian version of them in a few years. Beautiful, fashionable, Korean sisters.

@sundayswithstella

Definitely my career role model.

Started off being a trainee for SM Ent, quit, continued her studies in NYU, made it big, blogs and is basically a walking, talking piece of art. 

I love Stella for her modest approach to fashion, and very underrated for someone so successful on her own, based solely on her intelligence and creativity.

Until next month!

x

Tania

Unapologetic

Ever since I could remember, I'd always been really scared to voice out on my own opinion.
Not because I'm afraid of my own self, I'm afraid of what people would say or think about me.
This was the result of having a self-esteem the size of an ant's baby's hands since I was little.

I was a cute baby, really, not gonna lie. But that cute baby fat didn't leave me until like, a year ago.
It's so sad to look back at my primary school years and hate it so much to block it out of my memory completely. I mean it. The only thing I remembered from my pre-teens was running back and forth from the canteen to my classroom to get a bunch of girls, I stupidly took as my "friends", bottles of water and nuggets. With my own money. 
Because they were all too pretty and I was all too "lucky" to take being their friend for granted.

Then came the teen years. I moved out of that hell hole neighborhood bunch of schools, to the school my mum was teaching in. Although everyone was new in Form 1, I was like, new new.
No one knew me. Heard, seen, talked about, nothing. Which was great! New! Start!
There, I met a bunch of friends that were so warm to me that it actually felt so foreign.
Sure, I lost a couple of pounds prior to entering secondary school, but I didn't turn into freaking Adriana Lima overnight or anything. My new friends actually..liked me. Fat and all.

Off-topic side note:
Over the years, I grew closer and further from some of them. To anyone reading this below the age of 19, trrrrust me, you discover your real friends that'll stick with you forever after school.
That's 'cause you might think you're close to them, but maybe you're actually like that because school is a trapped 4 walls of forced friendship battle war zone. And you've got no choice.
I know that was my case. Because once I left school, I realized that I was only going to get out of bed for a handful of people, voluntarily.
The rest? "Hello? *cough* Alamak, sorry lah. Not feeling too well". 

My secondary school years were much better, only because I had better friends and more tolerance to B$. But the teenage drama was very much present, and the cause of my burning inner bitch.
Picture this. Being a timid, insecure teenager, with so much to lash out on but can't, because I'm scared of other teenage girls who are the same, only not scared of other teenage girls. Not cute.
One of the things I remember from my secondary school years was constantly chanting to myself Don't ruin this, Tania. You've got it so good, don't ruin this. 
Which, looking back at it now, made me understand how right my ex-boyfriend was when he said I had no spine and absolutely no idea how to defend myself.
He may be the bane of my existence, but the boy's got a point.

In my friends' defense, I wasn't like that because they made me like that. I was like that, thanks to my childhood friends that called me a stuffed marshmallow in a prefect's uniform when I was 10. Those girls (read: pre-puberty monsters) scarred the living shit outta me for the rest of my life.
I remember once being called "thirsty for attention" because I kept denying when people called me pretty. Okay, so:
1) Thirsty is a fucking understatement. I am in a drought. Try having tan, acne-prone skin, hair that greases after a day without wash, with thunder thighs and being centre stage in a world that worships commercial beauty.
2) After being called a fatso and have children song lyrics remade to tease you in school vans on the way home by your classmates, being called pretty is a lil unreal. Give me a break.

Fast forward, I'm 20 and a lil over 3 months now.
Do I still magnify all my flaws in the mirror? Sure, who doesn't. But I don't hate myself for them anymore, growing up made me realize that if you're not happy with you, people can say they worship you and you still won't believe them.
I'm writing this after so long because someone said something to me on Twitter and I didn't reply back, because I was afraid. Again, not afraid I was wrong, afraid of what others would think.
Then,

Realization #1:

How come they're allowed to say what they want,

and I can't?

Realization #2:

Wait, but why can't I?

There's a reply button on Twitter for a reason, no?

Realization #3:

It's not their fault I feel like this. It's my own.

I've probably three friends I can comfortably speak about my love for Korean music.

I freaking love k-pop, the language, the boys, the people. But very so often, people shut me out the second I mention it, like I'd have to be so careful talking about something I absolutely love.

I've got a separate account on Twitter just for my k-pop, which, come to think of it, is ridiculous. 

How is it that other people with a more "socially-accepting" interest like football or makeup or freaking women in bikinis are welcome to spam the living shit out of everyone and no one bats an eyelid, but the moment I talk about how much I enjoyed yesterday's korean drama episode, people go all "Thereeee she goes again with her k-pop!" ?

Do people think I give a shit about half the things they talk about on their social media compared to how they give a shit about my obsession with Koreans? No. 

But I tolerate anyway, because I'm all for everyone being passionate about what they love. 

I followed you on twitter because you mean enough to me for me to voluntarily see a glimpse of your life, your interests that don't interest me in any way included. 

I've got so much to say about so many things. How I feel about politics, how I feel about my own opinions, why I think some things should remain/change because of my own reasons, why I like my preference of taste/music/fashion. 

And from now on, I'm going to be unapologetic for thinking or feeling how I want to feel or think. 

So a warning from me as of now, unfollow me on every social media if you don't agree. 

I'm probably not going to apologize for:

1) Spamming clips after a concert on Snapchat or Instagram. 

2) Retweeting photos of Korean men on every social media I own.

3) Tweeting my thoughts; I've got a (believe it or not) strong stand on most of my tweets, even though I don't show it enough when people question me about it. 

4) Snapchatting.. anything, really. I don't keep track on who follows or don't follow me there, so I don't get why people keep complaining they have to skip so much of my Korean shows when they see me on their feed. Like, unfollowing takes one touch, dude. 

5) Not liking something everyone else does. And I'm not going to explain myself for it. 

6) Not liking someone everyone else does. And, again, I'm not going to explain myself for it.

I'm all for everyone having a say, too, don't get me wrong. 

You just do you, and I'll do me. 

So, nice chat, everyone.

Hoping to see more positive vibes from everyone and especially myself. 

감사합니다, 안녕!

x

Tania