Skin Situation

My vanity is such an eyesore since I've been back from the UK. I've been back for about 2 weeks now and it is the same train wreck it's been since I unpacked. 

Ok so this is going to be a controversial blog post. Mainly because I own one too many beauty and skincare products for one person, but I'm here to justify that. 

I'm pretty sure more people know about the Korean 10-step skincare regime, that's gotten a bit of a mixed review since it was first introduced. 10 products on your face everyday is a lot to handle. 

Like every other Korean trend, I jumped on board just to test it out, and I've never looked back since.

Here's why: 10 layers of chemical on your face might seem like an overkill, but Korean beauty products are known to be very gentle, and targets to maximise hydration and moisture rather than stripping you skin off its natural layer of moisture. 

Most of their products also aim to balance the skin's pH level. But I'll get back to that later. 

So before you roll your eyes at the unnecessary amount of things I tell myself I need for my skin, allow me to go through each and every one of them in detail. 

Okay, fine. Here's where I get a lil overboard.

I've got three cleansers, with reason! Hear me out. 

Belif, The True Tincture Cleansing Stick 

I am a huge Belif fan because they advocate for herbal skincare with absolute no fragrance, chemicals or irritants in any of their products. 

They're slightly on the $$$ side, but I am a believer of you get what you pay. It's really worth the splurge. 

This is my very first stick cleanser, because I've always had a huge question mark on my mind when this type of product came out. Is it hygienic? What's the difference?

But so far, I'm really surprised with it. It's gentle, it is sanitary and it's so easy to use. 

The product itself is good for all skin types, even acne prone skins. However, if you do have acne problems, even though I've mentioned about how it is sanitary if used right, it's best to just stick to one cleanser per person. Sharing might cause the spread of bacteria. 

Chamomile is used in skincare because of its antioxidant properties, which helps with acne and inflammation. It also aids in de-puffing your skin, so it's perfect for mornings. 

Although this is technically a bar soap on a stick, this has absolutely no soap (which is really bad for your skin - face or body!). The bubbles that form when applied comes from the natural chamomile flower petals that are the main ingredients of this cleansing stick. 

So first off, wet your face with lukewarm water, and make sure to not pat away any excess water.

Then, unwind the cleansing stick to release about a millimetre of product. Apply it straight to the face with circular motions, set it aside and use your dry hands to massage the product in. 

The product itself feels a little grainy from the chamomile tincture, but acts as an exfoliate. 

Cosrx, Low pH Good Morning Gel Cleanser

Pretty standard and way less complicated cleansing product. 

But what stood out for me was the emphasis on low pH level, so I made some research on it. 

pH level of skincare is incredibly important to note, because throwing your skin's pH off are the main causes of acne, wrinkles and even sensitive reactions. 

It's important to note that our natural skin works best at 5.5, which is slightly acidic.

So if you've got dry skin, it's towards the alkalic side, and if you've got oilier skin, its the other side of the spectrum. 

When the skin overproduces sebum, which is my biggest concern, it goes even more acidic. So most companies come out with cleansers that are super alkalic to "balance" the pH.

But that's going to cause super sahara desert on your skin, causing it to produce more oil because it senses a lack of it, which is just going to put you back to square one. 

Over drying skin with your cleanser aids in the production of wrinkles, too, if it doesn't replenish the oil you just washed off. 

I use this cleanser in the morning because it's just so much more gentle than the other ones I have. 

I'm almost done with it, and it's already in my virtual cart to repurchase when I'm completely done with it. It's a Korean brand, so you can get your hands on them on Hermo..i think. 

Neogen, Green Tea Foam Cleanser

Alright ok why do I need another cleanser..

As you can tell, I'm almost done with this one because I used it during my stay in the UK.

Foam cleansers are the worse in terms of convenience! You can't transfer them into smaller containers because the pump makes the foam, and they very rarely come in smaller sizes.

Which was why I always needed another cleanser with me to bring around. 

But despite that, I absolutely love this. 

Don't believe you can see it, but at the bottom of the bottle is a filter that keeps actual green tea leaves, that are infused into the product. 

This has no smell and is meant to be very gentle on your skin, to be used after a first step of cleansing (oil) - and I usually use it only on evenings I spent with a layer of makeup on. 

It aims to brighten and smoothen skin, which I've not actually seen come to life, but it does keep my acne at bay with its strong antioxidant properties. 

Belif, Numero 10 Essence

I did a lil spree in Belif recently, ok maybe a bit more than a 'lil', considering I received about 10 of these essence tester packets. 

I don't have the full-sized product with me, and if I have to be really honest, it's because I never knew what the hell it does. 

But according to the girls over at Belif, these are known to be 'bathroom essences'. 

These are to be applied within 10 seconds after cleansing your face, on a moist face.

So, 10 seconds after is a bit of a rush and I never stick too strictly to that rule, but you get it.

It's meant to act as a moisture catcher in your skin, which means every other product that you apply after this will be amplified and work better. 

Sounded like a gimmick to me at first, but this is a type of product that you feel its absence when you go through your routine without. And I find myself continuously going back to it. 

I might actually do something stupid and spend more bucks on this. Damn it.

Klairs, Supple Preparation Facial Toner 

Now, the toner. Ah, a step I never knew existed pre K-Beauty obsession..

Remember how I said it's all about hydration and moisture in the Korean world of skincare?

I aint kidding, my friend. 

I think everyone is more familiar with astringent toners that are alcohol-based that are applied through a cotton pad, and feel satisfaction when you see the dirt on the pad after one swipe.

I've been there.. 

I always thought it was the most effective way to rid off dirt and prevent pimples, boy was I wrong!

It's so drying and harmful to the skin, it only aggregates the skin to produce more sebum, which just gives you more pimples. 

Um yeah no thanks. 

Korean toners, or known better by locals as 'Skin', are what the rest of the World would know as an essence texture. 

It feels like something between water and a cream. 

I'm horrible at describing things..

Anyway, this is applied before any serums and moisturisers to help with, again, your pH level.

In any case of pH imbalance caused by cleansers, this will help sort shit out, basically. 

Belif, Eucalyptus herbal extract toner

Can you tell I'm slightly obsessed with this brand?

This is a super new addition to the family. I owned a different toner by Belif before this, which was the Witch Hazel line. That one was aimed for normal to dry skin because I bought it for use in England's horridly dry weather. Now that I'm back in humid Malaysia, the Eucalyptus line is targeted for oilier skin, which is perfect for me now.

I've not used this enough to say anything about it, but my Klairs toner is at its last few moments of life, so once that's completely cleaned out I'll be moving on to this one. Can't wait!

Belif, Rose Gemma Concentrate Oil

I've heard only the most brilliant things about rose oils from the most beautiful people I know.

A more known one would be the Laura Mercier Flawless Skin Infusion rose oil that does not, surprisingly, cost any different from this one from Belif. They both retail at around the RM270 range. Yikes.

Not surprised, though. Oils or serums tend to be a bit more of an investment than other skincare, rightly so because of its lack of water and more of the good stuffs, which makes it richer.

I've only known the benefits of rose water, which was great for sensitive skin in helping calm it down.

The oil is somewhat similar, but targets way more than just skin sensitivity. 

Rose oil is great for acne! Yup, an oil. For oily skin. God bless. 

It also contains Eugenol, which is responsible for cloves - the richest antioxidant in the World.

It's also scientifically proven that within just 5 minutes of a .25 percent dilution, it can kill Propionibacterium, the devil bacteria behind acne breakouts. 

I know using oil on acne prone skin and oily skin can be a bit scary, but this honestly just sinks into your skin instantly and leaves your face almost oil-less. It's to be applied day and night, but it is completely up to you. 

If you feel it's too much for day wear, including it only at night is fine, too. So long as you make sure to use it at least once a day!

If you feel like the oil by itself is too much for you, infusing it into your moisturiser is also an option!

It comes with a pipette, which is perfect to control the amount of oil used for every application.

Also, it smells like what I believe heaven would smell like. 

Klairs, Pure Vitamin C & Centella Extracts

This serum stuck by me throughout my dry days spent in front of my room's heater for almost 6 months in Nottingham. 

I'm almost done with it, but wanted to include it here anyways.

Using pure vitamin C scared me at first, because it could be a total hit or miss. Vitamin C tends to be very strong and can trigger reaction if you've got sensitive skin. 

This serum was just alright for me. Although it did not break me out, it was nothing spectacular. 

It's an okay-priced product for a serum, but it did nothing I thought a Vitamin C would do for me. 

If you're scared to go full force ahead with a pure vitamin c, try a vitamin c derivative instead!

Clinique, Dramatically Different Moisturising Gel

I've stayed loyal to this moisturiser for close to 5 years now, I could build a tower with the bottles.

It's honestly just a safe product I can always rely on to:

1) not break me out. 

2) provide sufficient moisture.

3) not give me too much shine (gel formula for oilier skin, cream for drier ones).

4) have a good price for a good size. 

I'm set for life with this one. 

The Body Shop, Skin Defence SPF 50 PA++++

I could go on forever talking about the importance of sunscreen and how big of an ignorant loser I was before discovering it. 

But more than using it, finding the perfect one is just as important!

Sunscreens are known for its thick, white-casting texture that throws people off from using them.

But I've found this one, an essence sunscreen. Has the texture of an essence, but provides a really good deal of sun protection. 

It also smells goooood. 

The high SPF is a plus, I could do with just a 25, but the higher the better. 

I'm too much of a princess to be out in the sun for too long, anyway. 

Bio-Peel+, Lemon Gauze Peeling Pads

Thus far, I've mentioned products in order of how I'd apply it in my daily skincare routine. 

But this is a bit out of order, since I would usually use it even before cleansing and after removing make-up, but because I only use this once a week - twice at most, I don't really consider it daily use.

This is a unique product, that I know not of outside the Korean market. 

These are pre-soaked pads that you would then use just as you would an astringent toner, only except it's dual-sided. One side is the gauze, a net-like material that exfoliates dead skin off, and the other side is used to wipe off the dead skin. It's a power duo. 

And because it's infused with lemon, it helps with brightening and lightening acne scars.

So far, it's been doing just alright with my skin, no reactions - provided used with a light hand!

I know exfoliating can feel so satisfying, but over rubbing can actually scratch the skin and irritate it.

Origins, RitualiTea Oolang-La Clay Mask

Origins will be the death of my bank account. 

As you can tell by now, I like my skincare natural and as far away from chemicals as possible.

I've got sensitive skin that gets triggered by even the slightest irritant, and it takes me weeks to heal.

Origins is another brand that promotes natural ingredients and most of their products are inspired by plants and nature. 

This one is oolong tea infused. 

It comes in powder form, then mixed with warm water, creating a thick mud-like solution before applying it straight onto a clean face. Let dry and harden for, at most, 20 minutes, before rinsing off.

Oolong tea is known to deep cleanse and remove all the gunk out of your pores, and leaves my skin naturally clean and refreshed. 

I sound like an ad, but really.. it does. 

It also has bits of oolong tea leaves in them, which smell good and doubles as an exfoliant during the rinsing off process.

But again, a painful investment and it's a bit of a faff to do. 

The Face Shop, Lemon Face Masks

I don't usually just use one brand of face masks, I use any and many. 

But these are just the ones that are in my mask stash at the moment. My current favourites are by Innisfree, because they've got a large range and, I believe, are the cheapest in the market. 

These lemon Face Shop ones here were bought at the airport when I was coming back to KL, so they were sold sans tax, therefore cheaper than even Innisfree ones. 

There really isn't much to say about masks except that I can't really live without them. 

Don't believe me? Try the Mask Challenge, where you wear one or even two masks a day for 7 days straight, and see for yourself how life changing they are. You won't look back, promise!

Origins, Drink Up Intensive Overnight Mask

This is the tiny version, that came with my painful shopping spree in Origins a while back.

This small sample size has been with me for, I'd say, a good 4-5 months now. And still going strong.

I use them once a week, because of how rich it can get for everyday use. 

It's nothing too special for me to pick up the full size, but it does what it claims to do. 

I wake up with less sebum than on nights I would go without it, because of how much hydration it gives me throughout the night. However, the smell can sometimes get a bit too overpowering. 

Holland & Barrette, Pure Tea Tree Oil

This has honestly changed the acne game for me. 

Before this, I was always just using tea tree infused products to treat my acne, but one day I decided to get my first pure oil from The Body Shop, and I loved it!

However, it finishes pretty quick and this H&B one is less of a burden to my wallet.

It's not the same as the rose oil, as this is a topical oil that must only be applied when needed and at areas that are needed only. 

It's very strong and targets to kill off bacteria from the acne. 

What I would do is, right before I apply my moisturiser, I'd take a cotton swab and dip it in the solution, and then straight to the area of my acne. 

The results usually vary. Sometimes I would sleep on it and it would disappear the next morning, or it would produce that white thing. When the latter happens, I just pop it (I know, I know...) and wipe the area with an antibacterial solution, before slapping a pimple patch on it. 

Garnier, Micellar Oil-Infused Cleansing Water

Bare with me, I'm almost done, I promise!

Micellar waters are god-sent through angels, I'm telling ya. 

This particular one, the bi-phase oil micellar water takes off makeup like a dream. 

Shake them up before use, dump a good size on a cotton pad and press gently on eye area to remove eye makeup & even waterproof mascaras and eyeliners. Rubbing it in will just irritate your eye. 

For face makeup, just slide them around your face until you feel like everything's off. 

 Aritaum, Soybean Oil Cleanser

Oil cleansers are the OG makeup removers. But I was never about that life because, like I said before, I was always scared to put oil on my skin. 

But I found out that oil combats oil, so they are the most effective way to take off oil based makeup.

I tend to only use this when I'm wearing heavier makeup, if not I'd just stick to the micellar water.

This provides a more thorough cleanse and feels much more cleaner. 

I put 2 pumps of this on my face full of makeup and massage it in until I look half human half koala, then I rinse off with warm water which then emulsifies into milky water.

I don't think you can get this around Malaysia, as I bought this from my previous Korea trip.

Any oil cleanser would do the job, as long as you make sure to do a thorough cleanse. 

Phew! Done!

These recommendations are based on the results I've gotten over a span of almost 3 years of testing and trying different products, and I 100% believe in the products I talk about. 

None were sent or given for free, besides free products - even then I wouldn't include just any free samples I'm given, I really do think they are worth trying. 

Note that my skin type in combination oily, and I choose my skincare based on that.

Results may vary depending on your own skin type and condition, so please do take that into consideration. All opinions are mine, and only mine.

Til next time!

Human

Is being insecure of myself for 21 years a disease? It might as well be, considering how much it has affected me mentally and physically. With all my heart, I promise you this isn't one of those I-Say-I'm-Insecure-But-Really-I-Just-Want-Attention posts. I'll save those for another day.

I grew up pretty cute, not gonna lie. My eyes took up half my face, my cheeks took up the other half, and I was the only one in my family with pin straight hair that curled at the bottom to make a natural bob. Every photo of me up until I was 5 was me tilting my head to the right, so far that it created multiple chins. Adults found that hilarious, since those were the only proof of existence I had at that age.

My maid once told me that I was one of the easiest babies to take care of, because a bar of chocolate and rice would shut me up for hours.

All was cute and funny, until I entered primary school. A round belly and chocolate stains on my lips were acceptable in kindergarten, but kids got a little bit more vicious at the age of 8, got worse at 10, and hit their peak at 12. And to not have changed from when I was 5, boy was it rough.

When I first entered Standard 1, I was the only Muslim in class in a pinafore. I'm sure it was my cool grandma's doing, but I was fine with that, I grew up in lace dresses anyway.
I didn't mind being the only one, either. 7-year-old girls already in tudung was weird to me then, but I didn't really care or found it weird. Not the same was thought of me, though.
Being mistaken as a non-Muslim by my first ustazah was very confusing to a 7-year-old. "Why did she just tell me to get out of the class?". My confusion was apparently hilarious to other classmates.
I became tired of being a joke to them, so I eventually forced my mum to get me my first pair of white & navy baju kurung. The heat and the discomfort sometimes sent me to the girl's toilet crying alone, but because I refused to have another reason to be laughed at, I kept that to myself.

Then I got into Standard 3. Baby fat still intact, in my tight baju kurung.
I remember my first friend to ever get her period was during this year. She had developed boobs and grew a bit taller, she looked so adult. Then, one by one, all my friends started getting their periods.
By Standard 5, almost all my girl friends had theirs. Mine, to my horror, came mid-Standard 6.
Everything became new to me so late, so I was always considered "lame" to them.

But to my surprise, and eventually my despair, the three most popular girls approached me at the canteen during recess. Half a nugget in my mouth, I looked up and saw them smiling at me.

"Hi Tania! What are you doing alone? Come lah sit with us there. 

A*iq and Fi*d*us is joining us, you told S*rah you find them cute right? 

Come lah, they want to talk to you!"

They..? Want to talk.. to.. me? No time for self-questioning, I packed up my breakfast and sat with them. Their seats were untouched, everyone knew to not sit where they sat. So to be invited over was a huge deal for me. They were really nice, they even bought me another packet of nuggets. 

Every day from then on was spent with them. I would beam when I see them hailing me over when I step through the front gate of school. Topics of discussion usually revolved around boys and how other girls were "sooo lame". 

Then I started noticing something, definitely not soon enough. The corridors of our classes were so small, it perfectly fits 3 small figured people. Somehow I was never part of that trio. 

I found myself walking behind the three. 

If you didn't catch up already, The Super Three were slim-figured, tall and the apple of every boys' eyes in the year. 

If you were wondering what the same boys thought of me, I'll spare you the details and leave you with just this. I was a librarian in my last two year of primary school, and we had this hideous vest we had to wear over a shirt. They were custom to our fit, and mine was one of the bigger sizes. 

After physical ed. class, we had to change back to our uniform from sports clothes. The boys in my class would tell one of the girls in my class to take my vest and exchange it with someone else's of a smaller size. 

Obviously, I couldn't fit in it and went on with my day without, frantically looking for my own. 

Due to the unnecessarily strict period of changing time we had, I had to enter class with just my shirt. This lead me to a one-way ticket to the office. After my truthful explanation, I was told that I was seeking attention and wanted to be "stylish" in school by "accidentally forgetting" my vest. 

In my defence, if I wanted to be stylish, I would've just dropped out of school. 

Anyways, I was then given a spare vest, but it couldn't fit me. The teachers in the office, whom we were expected to respect and trust, snickered and someone said under their breaths, 

"Gemuk sangat ni kalau tak muat sample size"

Just so you know, prior to this, I had no idea the reason I was being treated this was because of my size. I thought everyone was just mean and I was the chosen one. 

After that day, everything made more sense to me. Those free nuggets weren't out of good heart, it was to laugh at me for eating so much. Those times I walked behind them, it was because they thought I couldn't fit, literally. 

This all happened when I was at the age where I was finding my self-identity. So when I all I was being fed was that the shape of my body determines how I was being treated, the same thought followed me all throughout my teen years. 

When my mum told me I was going to a secondary school far, far away from my primary school, I felt relieved. I was embarrassed to show my face to anyone from my previous school anymore. And it also meant a new start. No one knew me, no one knew my past, no one will ever know. 

So during the little time between the end of my final exams in Standard 6 to my first day in secondary school, I put myself through what I believe hell would feel like. 

Dinner was non-existent, this was when I completely cut down on rice, I stopped McDonalds cold turkey, I skipped rope thrice a day. I was 12 fucking years old. 

When I started my first day of Form 1, I was 6kgs down, I could fit into my tiny sister's old uniform, my cheeks sunk in, my wrist and collar bone stood out. I was basically a skeleton. But I loved it, because I had always been told that the thinner you are, the better you look. And I looked thin. 

True enough. Within my first year of being a proper teen, people actually wanted to be friends with me, and not because they wanted to laugh at me. Boys started asking for my numbers, cute boys.. 

People started treating me differently. Better. I was always being told I was pretty. 

So alright, I found justification to my theory. It was all true. 

But was I really happy? Of course not. I had spent my preteens exercising and cutting down of junk food, saying no to ice-cream while everyone else had them, counting calories. And now I had to spend my teens living up to what people expected of me? Which part of my life do I get to create an identity for myself that did not involve anyone else's opinion?  

But it was way too late. No matter how many times I get that inspirational "I'll do whatever I want" thought, it gets swept away by the thrill of someone telling me, "You lost so much weight, you look so good!". 

And now, I get so upset at every 0.1kg I gain, at every ruined eyeliner wing, at every bad angled photo of me. 

Why? Because since I could remember, the way I looked stirred the wheel at the perception of who I am to everyone else. 

I'm only human. I gain sometimes, I lose sometimes. Weight, pimples, friends, self-esteem. 

But I feel like I'm not allowed to. 

I blame others, but I also blame myself for letting others do it to me. 

Preference

I've just brought home part 1 of my entire dorm room in uni, hoping to finally pack everything up to bring back after my exams next week. Time flies so fast, I'm already done with my 1st year of degree!

It still takes me a while to register that I'm twenty this year, and no longer a teenager. 

I swear I was 12, like, yesterday. With my horribly edited pouting display picture on MySpace and all. 

(Mental note: never revisit that memory) 

But of course, time waits for no man, and life goes on - like a bullet train, I must add. 

While I was cleaning my room at home to make way for the things I'll bring back from uni, I realized I threw out more than I kept. Books, posters, everything. I realized I just didn't like them anymore.

To think that I've only bought or kept them for no longer than a year, did my preference in things change that fast? 

The same with clothes, too. When I look through my closet, despite being full to the brim and will barf out clothes anytime soon, I can never pick something up and be satisfied. 

It's always the same, "But.. I don't like it anymore" or "What was I thinking.." 

But I can swear to you I must've loved it enough at the store to even pay for it (I'm either too lazy, or too broke - in most cases, both). 

In fact, I've actually found myself liking things I never thought I would, like, ever. 

And then it hit me, I get bored of things way too easily. I'm that person that likes something so (too) much, and borderline obsesses over it, and then done. Good bye, forever! 

Random fact about me, I've joined piano lessons, jazz dance lessons, clay pottery lessons, art classes and cooking classes when I was younger, none lasted more than an academic year. 

I would go all out for 3-4 months, got ready an hour before these classes, patiently waiting in front of the clock, and then the magic fades after a while. 

I know I made me sound like a sad, unmotivated, soulless child, but it's the truth! 

It was definitely a case of lack of intrinsic motivation, because I can swear I've only had the most enthusiastic bunch of teachers for those classes. 

My piano classes were the freaking play by ear type, and anyone who knows me knows I'm tone deaf with zero knowledge of music, so for my teacher to not have committed suicide teaching a student like me was incredibly impressive. 

Mentioned in my previous post, the chubby, belly-bulging 10-year-old Tania dancing jazz numbers at the annual dance recital was an accomplishment for both me & my dance coach (..especially my dance coach). 

My interest for something would skyrocket, and then come plunging down, then I'd pick up a new hobby, and the trend continues. My mum has, since, given up on caring about my hobbies. 

Let's not get started with my sudden craze with K-pop. Hah, who say that coming, right..

What I found stayed constant in my life, though, was my interest in fashion and Korea(ns). 

Even then (!) I keep losing interests within it, like I've never stuck to one fashion style for more than a month. I'd get all excited about it, then I'll go all Meh!.

Same with my music preference and dramas, it takes a lot for me to stick with a 15-episode drama right up 'til the end. Heck, it takes a lot for an episode to not make me exit the page in the first 20 minutes. That's why I go all out proclaiming my love for a boy/girl group or a good drama.

It takes a lot for me to stick by them. (I'd like to take this opportunity to promote Reply 1988 and She Was Pretty, I've seen both dramas thrice!)

Hobbies and K-pop aside, my change in taste in men have scarily surprised me. Have I, Tania Zainudin, finally.. grown.. up? Maybe, or maybe everyone's taken and I'm just bitter. Jk!

Like any teen girl (I say this like I'm 30, it's only been a year since), my dream was to call someone with a face like Mr. Efron mine and no one else's, even with a heart as cold as ice.

Don't care! Be as cold-hearted as you want! I just need you to be in my Instagram photos for other girls to gawk at and be center stage of everyone's envy. 

It's a whole other story now, and it's not that I've ever dated anyone even close to looking like Zac (laughing with tears in my eyes as I type), but heck, looks ain't going to last. 

I don't know why I never thought of that, did I think boys wouldn't age when I was 12?! Stupid. 

Found this somewhere online one day, and thought that I'd never read something so true in my life.

After I did the first line of the quote, only a handful (ONE HAND) of boys I know came up in my mind. And none of them I'd ever thought of as a boyfriend or a life-partner. 

Which says a lot about me, doesn't it? Hahah. I'm all about honesty on my blog, people! 

But it definitely made me reevaluate all the boys I've ever dreamt of being with, I realized that none were beyond looks, which in my defense, is reasonable! It's usually the first thing you see and it definitely is the first thing that captivates you at first sight. 

Now, however, I refuse to let it be the determining factor of whether or not I like someone. I have to teach myself to differentiate between liking and thinking someone's good-looking, which are two totally different things. 

And everyone else has to, too! Because ever so often when I tell someone I find a boy handsome, they're so quick to go, "Ooh, Tania likes someone!". NO. 

I don't like attaching a person to my ideals. Like, I don't like saying so-and-so is husband goals because that's just going to set you up for some major disappointment, gurlfriend. 

No two people in this World are the same, which I tend to forget. I can only have traits that I want as a husband and find them in people, but never wish to have an image of another individual as "#goals".

And the traits are exactly that in the quote. I plan on having a family not too long after marriage (I will probably stab myself in the face 5 years down the road, but for now, let's just say that), so I definitely look for a fatherly, paternal, children-loving trait in men. No questions about that. 

Not many boys I know are particularly like that, not that I blame them for this, 20 might be too young for them to think about changing diapers everyday. 

Besides being a good dad, a man who is head over heels for me would be the cherry on top. 

And I mean, really in love with me. By me, I mean every single aspect of my being, my family, my choices, my ambitions and my dreams. Not a yes-man kind of person, God knows how much I hate people who agree with me and don't know why. 

Disagreements can mean having two totally different ideas on something, but if you truly care about someone, they provide an opportunity for two people to incorporate both ideas into one by finding a middle ground. Which I find to be the meaning of marriage in the first place. 

Most of all, I want a husband that feels the exact same way on this. I want him to still want me without make-up (which is the state I will be in 95% of the time, probably even worse during pregnancy), during every financial crisis we face, and through every fight. 

And I do plan on working on myself to appeal to men like these, 'cause what's the use of wanting but not being wanted, right? Hahahahaha. Yeah. sigh. 

Also (!) I'm not saying that I'd complain and shut the door on their face if someone who looks like Kim Jongin comes knocking, 'num sayin' now? 

I'm kidding!

How did I end up talking about my future husband when I started with having no clothes to wear from my closet?

You can tell from here what I deem important in my life, huh? LOL 

Piano? Meh. Dance class? Meh. But K-POP & HUSBAND MATERIAL.. Let's have 4 paragraphs each! 

x

Tania

Apr'16 Favourites

1. Fashion

Since it's study week, and weeks approaching study week is filled with assignment due dates and such, I've found absolutely no time to get all dressed up for anything.
I'm always up 'til late and have 20 minutes at most to get myself together the next morning, which everyone would know, really means 5 minutes because I take a year to put on makeup.
No thanks to the stress the semester's putting on me, which shows on my face (population: acne), I've been spending more time on concealing spots and the Pradas under my eyes.

So, my favorites will be based on the looks I've seen online that I've discovered or re-discovered this month. Most are highly influenced and inspired by Korean fashion bloggers.

The trend started way before this year, but it's slowly making a comeback. Not so much in the French fashion world, where it started, but increasingly amongst Korean stars and fashion bloggers.

Being so associated with the French culture, and the French being so associated with elegance, berets are usually paired with clean-cut coats or with nothing at all (looking at you, Ms. Moss). 

Now, though, it's seen being paired with more casually looking clothes, which is amazing news to people like me who don't have anywhere fancy to go wearing a $5,000 designer coat. 

As much as I love it, it's way too inconvenient (and panas) to wear in KL, which is why I'm crossing my fingers for something big happening later this year that has something to do with me actually being able to wear this gorgeous piece of clothing.  

Possibly my favorite trend, dare I say, ever. 

I've always loved oversized shirts, much much more than those fitted women cut ones. I never buy those. I've got a weird body shape, and any piece of clothing that highlights that is a no-no.

And whenever I wear those shirts, I tend to roll or fold the sleeves up, which does work sometimes with the entirety of the outfit, but it's nothing special.

What I do now is get shirts 3-4 sizes bigger than my actual size, send them to alteration for everything but the sleeves. Weird, I know, I get judged by the tailor all the time.

Or if I don't have time (..money) to send them for alteration, I'll just chuck them all under my jeans, belt it, and tada! 

Not a big thing amongst international brands (yet), but I know Korean fashion houses have started to purposely make sleeves longer than the length of the shirt to create the sleeve paw effect, which I love love love. But since Korean clothes in KL costs an arm and a leg, I'll make do with what I have and make the tailor my new best friend. Until my next trip to SoKo. 

It is also, I might add, ustaz papa approved. It's loose and covers more skin? Brilliant! 

I'm basically instantly attracted to anything and everything in emerald this month. Everything, from jewelry, clothes, head pieces, pants. 

It's so regal, and I find that it compliments tan skin like mine, which not many colors do. 

2. Shows

We Got Married, Eric x Solar

To be honest, I've never been a fan of this show, despite it being my sister's main reason for mental breakdowns for some years already. 

I don't know, the idea of a virtual marriage and cameras following around a couple on dates just seem so unnatural and because the men in the relationship is usually a megastar in the Korean industry, the girl in the relationship always seems way too shy (or scared) to do anything. 

But because I'm personally a fan of both Solar and Eric, I decided to give their series a shot. 

And I looooooove it. It's only their 3rd episode, and they're so cute! So! Cute!

I think it's mainly because Eric's from the States, so he's definitely more open-minded than the rest of the men on the show, and Solar's just.. Solar. 

I will definitely continue watching, and will definitely cry when the season ends (yes, they have to "break up" when the producer tells them to - see! exactly why i didn't like this show before!) 

Page Turner

Masya Allah, Page Turner.... sigh. Jisoo........ sigh...

Don't know if this can be considered a "show", because it's only 3 episodes long. So it's technically a 3-part movie, aired a part a week. 

I might be biased, it might not be everyone's cup of tea, not everyone's going to enjoy this as much as I did, probably due to the fact that I am deeply in love with Jisoo, and everything he says or do makes me want to jump out the building with a smile on my face. 

Jisoo starred in a movie with my main bae, Suho, and has since then created a beautiful friendship that I can only wish to be a part of one fine day. 

But besides just being Suho's best friend, he is an amazing actor. I honestly don't know if he becomes the character or the character becomes him, because he is an extremely shy person in interviews, but he oozes personality in his films. 

This drama is also very different from all the other dramas I've watched because although the casts are two male lead and one female lead, you'd think a love story is definitely due. But it's not! 

Which, tbh, not too sure I was happy about because I'm dying to see boyfriend Jisoo. 

3. Music on Replay

Sam Kim ft. Crush, No Sense

Ariana Grande, Be Alright

Dynamic Duo, 날개뼈 (Hot Wings)

4. Reads

I'm not a book person, in all honesty. I can never go through a story book without stopping mid-way because it's all too predictable. Only very few books have seen me go through it cover to cover.

(Girl from the Train is one of them. From a girl who doesn't read so much, believe me - it's good!)

But this one.. oh, this one's too good. It's not a fictional story book, which is exactly why I love it.

It's about Amy herself, self-narrating her (hilarious) life through stories about being an unfashionable "somebody" in the fashion industry. 

She talks about her first job during fashion week with borrowed heels she swore to never wear ever in her life, interviews with the likes of Anna Wintour & Adriana Lima (and her unsaid monologues during), and the ugly beginnings everyone dreaming about being in the industry has to know about.

I love her humor, her honesty, and how her stories are strangely comforting. Knowing someone who started with zero knowledge on fashion and a burning desire to go far in the industry now has people like Bryanboy reading her self-written book. #goals 

4. People I can't take my eyes off 

@redvelvet.smtown 

This comeback is the best looks for my girls, ugh beauty multiplied by 5.

@nctunit

Ten, Thai in a Korean boy group, has the longest name that I will not try to pronounce, beautiful smile and dances like a dream. Younger than me by 15 days, but who's counting.

{Aimee} @songofstyle

{Dani} @songdani

My absolute favorite power sisters. I look up to these two like no other, hope Nadia & I get to be the Malaysian version of them in a few years. Beautiful, fashionable, Korean sisters.

@sundayswithstella

Definitely my career role model.

Started off being a trainee for SM Ent, quit, continued her studies in NYU, made it big, blogs and is basically a walking, talking piece of art. 

I love Stella for her modest approach to fashion, and very underrated for someone so successful on her own, based solely on her intelligence and creativity.

Until next month!

x

Tania

Unapologetic

Ever since I could remember, I'd always been really scared to voice out on my own opinion.
Not because I'm afraid of my own self, I'm afraid of what people would say or think about me.
This was the result of having a self-esteem the size of an ant's baby's hands since I was little.

I was a cute baby, really, not gonna lie. But that cute baby fat didn't leave me until like, a year ago.
It's so sad to look back at my primary school years and hate it so much to block it out of my memory completely. I mean it. The only thing I remembered from my pre-teens was running back and forth from the canteen to my classroom to get a bunch of girls, I stupidly took as my "friends", bottles of water and nuggets. With my own money. 
Because they were all too pretty and I was all too "lucky" to take being their friend for granted.

Then came the teen years. I moved out of that hell hole neighborhood bunch of schools, to the school my mum was teaching in. Although everyone was new in Form 1, I was like, new new.
No one knew me. Heard, seen, talked about, nothing. Which was great! New! Start!
There, I met a bunch of friends that were so warm to me that it actually felt so foreign.
Sure, I lost a couple of pounds prior to entering secondary school, but I didn't turn into freaking Adriana Lima overnight or anything. My new friends actually..liked me. Fat and all.

Off-topic side note:
Over the years, I grew closer and further from some of them. To anyone reading this below the age of 19, trrrrust me, you discover your real friends that'll stick with you forever after school.
That's 'cause you might think you're close to them, but maybe you're actually like that because school is a trapped 4 walls of forced friendship battle war zone. And you've got no choice.
I know that was my case. Because once I left school, I realized that I was only going to get out of bed for a handful of people, voluntarily.
The rest? "Hello? *cough* Alamak, sorry lah. Not feeling too well". 

My secondary school years were much better, only because I had better friends and more tolerance to B$. But the teenage drama was very much present, and the cause of my burning inner bitch.
Picture this. Being a timid, insecure teenager, with so much to lash out on but can't, because I'm scared of other teenage girls who are the same, only not scared of other teenage girls. Not cute.
One of the things I remember from my secondary school years was constantly chanting to myself Don't ruin this, Tania. You've got it so good, don't ruin this. 
Which, looking back at it now, made me understand how right my ex-boyfriend was when he said I had no spine and absolutely no idea how to defend myself.
He may be the bane of my existence, but the boy's got a point.

In my friends' defense, I wasn't like that because they made me like that. I was like that, thanks to my childhood friends that called me a stuffed marshmallow in a prefect's uniform when I was 10. Those girls (read: pre-puberty monsters) scarred the living shit outta me for the rest of my life.
I remember once being called "thirsty for attention" because I kept denying when people called me pretty. Okay, so:
1) Thirsty is a fucking understatement. I am in a drought. Try having tan, acne-prone skin, hair that greases after a day without wash, with thunder thighs and being centre stage in a world that worships commercial beauty.
2) After being called a fatso and have children song lyrics remade to tease you in school vans on the way home by your classmates, being called pretty is a lil unreal. Give me a break.

Fast forward, I'm 20 and a lil over 3 months now.
Do I still magnify all my flaws in the mirror? Sure, who doesn't. But I don't hate myself for them anymore, growing up made me realize that if you're not happy with you, people can say they worship you and you still won't believe them.
I'm writing this after so long because someone said something to me on Twitter and I didn't reply back, because I was afraid. Again, not afraid I was wrong, afraid of what others would think.
Then,

Realization #1:

How come they're allowed to say what they want,

and I can't?

Realization #2:

Wait, but why can't I?

There's a reply button on Twitter for a reason, no?

Realization #3:

It's not their fault I feel like this. It's my own.

I've probably three friends I can comfortably speak about my love for Korean music.

I freaking love k-pop, the language, the boys, the people. But very so often, people shut me out the second I mention it, like I'd have to be so careful talking about something I absolutely love.

I've got a separate account on Twitter just for my k-pop, which, come to think of it, is ridiculous. 

How is it that other people with a more "socially-accepting" interest like football or makeup or freaking women in bikinis are welcome to spam the living shit out of everyone and no one bats an eyelid, but the moment I talk about how much I enjoyed yesterday's korean drama episode, people go all "Thereeee she goes again with her k-pop!" ?

Do people think I give a shit about half the things they talk about on their social media compared to how they give a shit about my obsession with Koreans? No. 

But I tolerate anyway, because I'm all for everyone being passionate about what they love. 

I followed you on twitter because you mean enough to me for me to voluntarily see a glimpse of your life, your interests that don't interest me in any way included. 

I've got so much to say about so many things. How I feel about politics, how I feel about my own opinions, why I think some things should remain/change because of my own reasons, why I like my preference of taste/music/fashion. 

And from now on, I'm going to be unapologetic for thinking or feeling how I want to feel or think. 

So a warning from me as of now, unfollow me on every social media if you don't agree. 

I'm probably not going to apologize for:

1) Spamming clips after a concert on Snapchat or Instagram. 

2) Retweeting photos of Korean men on every social media I own.

3) Tweeting my thoughts; I've got a (believe it or not) strong stand on most of my tweets, even though I don't show it enough when people question me about it. 

4) Snapchatting.. anything, really. I don't keep track on who follows or don't follow me there, so I don't get why people keep complaining they have to skip so much of my Korean shows when they see me on their feed. Like, unfollowing takes one touch, dude. 

5) Not liking something everyone else does. And I'm not going to explain myself for it. 

6) Not liking someone everyone else does. And, again, I'm not going to explain myself for it.

I'm all for everyone having a say, too, don't get me wrong. 

You just do you, and I'll do me. 

So, nice chat, everyone.

Hoping to see more positive vibes from everyone and especially myself. 

감사합니다, 안녕!

x

Tania