Loved and lost

"We are products of our past, 
but we don't have to be prisoners of it"

I've never liked bringing up the past, the good or the bad. Not because I'm being ignorant to the fact that it happened, but because I feel it would just ruin the future for me. 

When I think of the bad things that I had experienced in the past, I feel like it's a train of events and not a one off thing. Like, if I got hurt once by a boy, every boy would treat me the exact same way. It does no justice to my already low self-esteem. 

When I think of the good things that happened to me, I feel bitter because I know that had past and I will never get to experience it again. 

Senang cerita, I just don't like thinking or talking about the past. However, it was all I could think about these past few weeks. Maybe because I've always been the type to bottle things up and not talk about it to anyone. I wish I could just scream out all my problems at the top of my lungs, so that it no longer just becomes my problem, it becomes everyone else's. 

The thoughts that have been circulating my mind recently were, of course, the bad past. 

I was cleaning my room the other day, since it has been a while since I've been back home for a long period, and I found my old diary. 

When I found it, I kinda knew the people I wrote most of my diary posts about, and since I'm no longer close to them - my first thought was, "I'm going to burn this!". But I read it anyway. 

Reading it made me smile a couple of times, but it also made me question myself a lot of times. 

What went wrong?
Was it me, or was it them?
Would things have been different if I fought harder?

I've always, and still do, blamed myself for everything I lose. Best friends, friendships, relationships, happiness, interest. I feel like it could not have just been them, I must have played a big part in that loss. 

No one actually knows how hard it is for me to lose something that sentimental to my life. I don't show it that often, I usually resort to the comfort of my family or friends. I may go on a little rage on my Twitter, but that isn't even half of the things I want to say. 

Losing friends is one of the painful things I've ever experienced in my life. Unlike family, it is rather possible to completely cut ties with a friend. To me, what hurts the most about losing a friend is that it is a slow and long process, you start noticing the absence of the littlest things as you go on with your life. Like the inside jokes that you suddenly think of that no one else can relate to except the both of you, or that one song that the both of you duet to that no one else can master. Those kind of things that just hit you years after you stop talking to them and think "Ah, wish they were here, they would've understood what that meant". 

On the contrary, sometimes losing a friend could be the best thing that has ever happened to you. I've personally experienced some. Those friends that you thought were there for you 'til the very end, and one day they just change into the worst version of themselves you never knew they had it in them? Yeah, everyone has that 'friend'. 

With "friends" like them, who needs enemies? I would rather have an army of people who hated my guts, than to have a bunch of people that secretly hate you. Those are the worst! 

For me, it is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend, because you can expect an enemy to betray you, but never a friend. 

Phew!
THAT's finally out.

It's always darkest before the dawn, things will get better and I'll be okay.

xx,

Tania

Last Teenage Year

I turned nineteen on the seventeenth of January. I didn't know what to feel about turning a year older before my birthday, but now I think it's no biggy lah. I mean, I'm just 19 what! 

Not.

Hwaaaaaaaaaaaa!

SO scary to think that I'm already 20 next year! ...Twenty. Wow, time has definitely gone by so quickly. I swear I can still remember entering secondary school for the first time, with absolutely no friends, back when I was 13. Now, I'm 19?! 

Of course, so much has changed since then. Besides the fact that I gained amazing friends over the years, lost some that (let's be real, now) never mattered anyway, grown an inch taller, fell in and out of love, travelled to beautiful places, entered University, have smaller space in the closet, I.. 

Don't look like a giant marshmallow anymore!

                    

Hahahahahahahahahahaha

Okay, jokes aside. Must admit, this year's celebration was by far my favorite. I initially didn't plan to do anything, but then I thought.. Why the heck not. It's not everyday I get to see everyone I love in one place, for me! 

My birthday was on the last day of my final exams for Semester 1, which was rather bitter sweet. Bitter, because well duh who would want to spend their birthday morning trapped in an exam hall writing a bunch of facts about political unrest that didn't make any sense, right?! 

But absolutely sweet because the end of exams mean a two week semester break! It was definitely a sign, like "It's Tania's birthday, everyone go celebrate for 14 days!". Also, I get to celebrate my 19th birthday without having to worry about whether I had read my notes or not. Woo hoo!

So, after I wrote my last few sentences on the exam sheet, which was probably: 

"I'm sorry in advance, Ms. Tessa.

Please just pass me.

May God bless you."

I ran out the hall faster than I have ever ran in my entire 19 years of existence, even I was impressed. No one even got to wish me, which I felt pretty bad about later. I couldn't stay on campus any longer!!! 

I had packed everything before going for the exam, so as soon as I reached my room, I angkut everything (and I mean, everything) from my room to my car in one go. 

The reason being was because it was already 12.30pm, and I had lunch reservations at Qureshi, KLGCC for my birthday lunch at 1pm. Lapar and excited punya pasal. I haven't been home for 2 and a half weeks, that's like a century in Tania Years, okay!

T: "Uncle Aziz, cepat sikit drive, ok? I have to be there before they give away my reservation!"

U.A.: "Oh, really? Ok ok! What time is the reservation?"

T: "...Um, it's in 30 minutes!"

I totally reached there in 30 minutes. Brownie points to Uncle Aziz! 

(My campus is an hour ride away, btw)

But of course, it wouldn't be my family if everyone wasn't 30 minutes late. So there I was, in the middle of an Indian cuisine restaurant... on my birthday... alone. Aiseh man. That puke-worthy car ride back was so not worth it! 

Maktok & Paktok were in town, so they joined as well. My aunt and uncle, Myra, Zidan and Naim came as well. Had my usual chicken tikka with naan, and their ughhhhh-mazing mango lassi. 

Mum and her eye rolls, she totes loves me.

Beautiful flower bouquet that was sent to my house anonymously. 

Mum decided to bring it to lunch to embarrass me in front of everyone. Hmph.

Myra.

Like Miss Korea already this girl.

My maktok & paktok.

These 2 are definitely up there on my "People I Wish Allah Grants Jannah" list.

Love them to deathhhhhhh!

"Dearest Tania,

Paktok and Maktok have been blessed with many beautiful things in life.

And one of the beautiful things is having you as our granddaughter.

Syukur Alhamdulillah!" 

TOLD YOU THEY'RE THE SWEETEST PEOPLE ON EARTH

Since I was having a dinner party the next day, on the 18th, I didn't make any plans for the night of my birthday. Also, I wanted it to be just family for the day. 

That night, I went to Shah Alam to my cousin's place for a 'January Babies Celebration'. Just realized how many of my cousins share the same birthday month as I do! 

The January babies!

Homemade mini cakes, too cute to even eat.

The next day was the day of my dinner party. I had it at Cat In The Box, in Empire Damansara. That place is such a beautiful hidden gem. Spent every single second prior to the dinner party running around everywhere like collecting the cake, do my hair and make up, collect my skirt from the tailor, pack the door gifts. I DID NOT FEEL LIKE BIRTHDAY PRINCESS. 

Finally! Time for the dinner party! 

It rained. It.. rained. Rained. 

And, not like cenonek kind of rain. Like, tak-boleh-see-2-metres-ahead-of-you kind of rain. 

When you see my cake, then you'll understand the struggle of bringing it to the 1st floor in that weather, in ONE piece. Because it was so lebat, decided not to get balloons, if it bursts on the way up to the venue, tak pasal-pasal waste money. 

Felt a bit (ok, a lot) upset. But, hey.. I couldn't have predicted the weather anyway. Luck was just not on my side, no biggy. However, the rain sort of delayed the arrival of my friends so it started much later than I had anticipated it to start. 

But, I'll say it again, it's ok! It ended up being so much fun, despite the weather and the last-minute arrangement. What had happened was I had booked the rooftop, but since the weather was so bad, I had to do it downstairs at the main restaurant. Of course, when that happened, it was a minor chaos because there were not enough seats and they were still arranging things when my friends were already arriving. 

Anywhoooo, let's just focus on the best of that night, ya? 

Soon-to-be birthday girl, Farah!

Mel & I both wanted to pose on the right, so that explains the awkward leg position haha!

Izza, so so beautiful in the hijab.

Love her!

Of course I didn't come up with that one on my own, pfsch!

Hehe

My favorite boys!

(L-R)

There's Dzakwan, Rizwan, Iddin, Anwar, Mateen, Fariz, Yusuf, Adam, Zhareef, Dem and Naqib

Happy birthday girl with her cake!

"These flowers are too pretty, better take them before anyone else does.."

Anwar Fazal, looking much better without his long hair haha

These two (Anwar and Dzakwan) were so sibuk taking pictures of themselves,

they forgot to take pictures with me. Hmph.

So, that explains the car park background.

My girls, for ever and everrr

Cake fit for a queen

My Nottingham baby girls! 

I had the most fun that night. Despite the rough start, I was so glad I decided to do this party. 

We ended the night with a round or two of Taboo & Heads Up upstairs at the rooftop. I definitely loved the fact that I had my best friends all with me that night, with an exception of a few that couldn't make it. 

Growing up, I'm not even going to deny this - I was extremely fortunate. Physically and materialistically. Even today, as I'm writing this in my bedroom, I look around and I see things probably the majority of the population could never have.
I was blessed with the most amazing parents any child could ever dream of. Mama & Papa gave me everything I needed and wanted, from a necessity like education to a definite luxury like the barely-can-even-open cupboard of clothes I have.
And because of this, I do not know how to repay my parents but to pray to Allah every day He grants my parents His Paradise. For their kindness and their hard work to sustain my siblings and I, they deserve nothing less. 

I received amazing gifts from my friends during the party, but this year and for the years to come Insha Allah, all I want from everyone for my upcoming birthdays is just to say a little doa for my family & I, that He bestows upon us His mercy and that we don't stray from His Guidance, Insha Allah.
Because there's no better gift for me than to see my parents happy and my siblings succeed on Earth and the Afterlife.

Amin.

Lots of love, 

Tania