"We are products of our past,
but we don't have to be prisoners of it"
I've never liked bringing up the past, the good or the bad. Not because I'm being ignorant to the fact that it happened, but because I feel it would just ruin the future for me.
When I think of the bad things that I had experienced in the past, I feel like it's a train of events and not a one off thing. Like, if I got hurt once by a boy, every boy would treat me the exact same way. It does no justice to my already low self-esteem.
When I think of the good things that happened to me, I feel bitter because I know that had past and I will never get to experience it again.
Senang cerita, I just don't like thinking or talking about the past. However, it was all I could think about these past few weeks. Maybe because I've always been the type to bottle things up and not talk about it to anyone. I wish I could just scream out all my problems at the top of my lungs, so that it no longer just becomes my problem, it becomes everyone else's.
The thoughts that have been circulating my mind recently were, of course, the bad past.
I was cleaning my room the other day, since it has been a while since I've been back home for a long period, and I found my old diary.
When I found it, I kinda knew the people I wrote most of my diary posts about, and since I'm no longer close to them - my first thought was, "I'm going to burn this!". But I read it anyway.
Reading it made me smile a couple of times, but it also made me question myself a lot of times.
Was it me, or was it them?
Would things have been different if I fought harder?
I've always, and still do, blamed myself for everything I lose. Best friends, friendships, relationships, happiness, interest. I feel like it could not have just been them, I must have played a big part in that loss.
No one actually knows how hard it is for me to lose something that sentimental to my life. I don't show it that often, I usually resort to the comfort of my family or friends. I may go on a little rage on my Twitter, but that isn't even half of the things I want to say.
Losing friends is one of the painful things I've ever experienced in my life. Unlike family, it is rather possible to completely cut ties with a friend. To me, what hurts the most about losing a friend is that it is a slow and long process, you start noticing the absence of the littlest things as you go on with your life. Like the inside jokes that you suddenly think of that no one else can relate to except the both of you, or that one song that the both of you duet to that no one else can master. Those kind of things that just hit you years after you stop talking to them and think "Ah, wish they were here, they would've understood what that meant".
On the contrary, sometimes losing a friend could be the best thing that has ever happened to you. I've personally experienced some. Those friends that you thought were there for you 'til the very end, and one day they just change into the worst version of themselves you never knew they had it in them? Yeah, everyone has that 'friend'.
With "friends" like them, who needs enemies? I would rather have an army of people who hated my guts, than to have a bunch of people that secretly hate you. Those are the worst!
For me, it is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend, because you can expect an enemy to betray you, but never a friend.
Phew!
THAT's finally out.
It's always darkest before the dawn, things will get better and I'll be okay.
xx,
Tania
No comments:
Post a Comment