A Change

When life takes you on full speed, you don't jump out the car. You go with the tide, you just live the life you've got. Right?

I've now realised how difficult it is to maintain friendships with no effort from both parties.
I am grateful, alhamdulillah, for the friends that I've known at every stage of my life. They all played a crucial role while I was growing up and made me the person I am today, but do I owe them my whole life?

There were phases in my life that has lead me to different places, giving me the opportunity to meet different people, experiencing different things.
That doesn't mean I forget any part of my past, be it a person, a place or a memory.
Everything that has happened has lead to my today, and I don't regret a thing. But that being said, I have also experienced some things that turned into lessons for me never to repeat.
So I admit, I select the things that I want to bring with me to my next phase in life.

And that includes people. I am very, or at least I've become, much more selective with my group of friends. New friends, existing friends. I pick and choose who I want with me.
Friends are so important to anyone's life. They make or break you, the kind of people you surround yourself with. I never quiet knew this before, but I do now.

When I was younger, I was very passive with my selection of friends. I'd say my insecurity was to blame.
I never thought anyone would be friends with me, so when someone shows interest to be, I'd allow them and keep them really close to me.
That has done more harm than good, I've been through some brutal betrayal during this time.
My birthday parties would consist of an almost 100 pax guest list, and I probably knew 10 of them.

Then I started straying away and moved into my next phase. Seclusion.
I remember when I entered college, I changed into such a quiet person. I was in UNMC back then, doing my foundation course and eventually my 1st year of degree.
I would lock myself in my dorm room, walk to classes with headphones on and eyes on the ground.
It was to the point where everyone would just assume I didn't want to leave the room, that no one started to ask me out anymore. It was just a given, I wasn't going to go anyway.
That was such a drastic change from my high school self, where I would be attending events at different parts of the city as the President of my school's Interact Club! Yup, queen of interaction..
I guess you can say I was testing to see which 2 polar sides of the personality table I was in.

Now that my year abroad to the UK has forced me to channel my initial persona, having to make friends and maintain friendships, I think I've got a solid conclusion.
I think I'm a bit of both, but I become one or the other when I surround myself with different people.

If I have to be really honest, I like myself when I was slightly more chatty, cheerful and kecoh.
I realise that I am still like that, but to and in front of a very few people. And I want to only surround myself with people like that so I can finally love a version of myself, constantly.
But that means I'd have to let go of some people in my life that might have been there throughout, but no longer contribute to my happiness or motivation to become better.

It might sound cruel, but it's the truth. I guess I have no choice but to be a little stern with my stand.
There are friends that I've just met that has made me much happier than some that have been with me all my life, and that happens. Some people are just more compatible with me than others.
And it only sounds vile because I'm only realising it now. Had I rejected them as my close friends from the start, though still cruel, would sound much nicer than dropping them after years of knowing.
But these things, knowing people and knowing yourself, they take time. Years, decades even.

And that should be alright. Not only for me, but for everyone.
We all grow up, and eventually away from some people. Thing is, some people can't accept it.
I can't stick with the same group of people just because I'm scared to break away, especially if they don't impact our lives as close as some friends we've just met.

That's why it always irritates me when someone says "Oh, ajak.." in a sarcastic manner, as though they have to be, by default, involved in our lives just because they were a part of it.
There's a reason I've chosen to not invite you (bigger picture: involve you in my life) anymore.
Stop making people apologetic for moving on and growing as a person, even if that means not having you around anymore. It's okay, it's not anyone's fault. It's just incredible how much time changes us.

I know I'm all talk now, but I'm always really scared to apply this in actual life.
I'm a big planner, and plan birthdays way in advance, and am already looking for places for my 22nd.
This time, in contrast to my previous birthdays, I'm limiting myself to the people that I truly am close to, and that means people I talk on a regular basis & am actually comfortable with.
Not even necessarily those I call "best friends" very loosely and only by default.
I feel like if I don't do this now, it's just going to be bottled frustration and ultimately, not worth it.

If any of you read this and find me being distant from you, more than before, just know that I'm going through a slight change that's necessary for me to grow to a person I want to start being.
You were a beautiful part of my life, and will always be, but some people are meant for other people.
Friendships should never be forced. Friendships should be so natural and automatic that you think of them right off the bat when you think of your future.
Thank you for having me in your life and being in mine, but this next step I'm going on now focuses a bit more on me (and I think it's about damn time my own life was about me) and the people that matter to me at this moment, and probably no more of you.

I won't apologise for it because it's honestly no one's fault. Not mine for wanting what's best for me, and absolutely not yours.
Again, your presence in my previous stages of life will always be precious to me.
Life is always unexpected, and if by some twist of fate we end up cross passing each other's path in the future, I hope you stay for it.

Until then, I'll see you around.

Lonesome

Being lonely is often seen as a curse, but I enjoy some time off anybody's company.
I love being friends with the people I'm friends with, and being around people I surround myself with,
but there's just this thing about having absolutely no one else and also absolutely loving it.

A friend tweeted an article about this bunch of 20-somethings experiences on their solo travels,
and I was so inspired. Being that young and having traveled by themselves half way across the World.
Many of them traveled out of pure spontaneity, and some even to clear their mind from breakups.
I'd need to actually be in a relationship to escape out of it, but imagine having so much anger in you and letting it all out with purchasing tickets to another city on the next available date.

I've actually traveled solo myself, but I don't know if it really counts.
It was during my 21st birthday, it was in the midst of exams and no one could spare some time.
But it was my damn 21st birthday, I wasn't going to spend it on my bed watching shows. I looked up the nearest city I could go without breaking the bank, on the nearest date possible.
Found Edinburgh pretty interesting and that was that.
Train ticket booked, airbnb sorted. Was leaving the next day, told the parents the night before.
Arrived in a city foreign enough to get a little lost the second I reached, but I loved every second of it.
I'm so grateful the people of Edinburgh were amazingly helpful, it made the trip so much better.
I stayed in an apartment with 2 Americans who have been residing in Scotland for almost 6 years, they decided to move half way across the world on their first vacation to England - ever.
That's a whole level of spontaneity that I can only dream to achieve.

I spent my 3 days in Scotland just doing things I wanted to do, things I loved.
Had cakes for breakfast, breakfast for dinner. Left the house at 6am and took a 40 minute walk to the train station in January weather, spent my nights in different bars (met a couple that loved my name so much that they wanted to name their next child after me), talking to strangers at every corner.
I had no one's rules to follow, I had no one to tell me what to do. I could do everything I wanted to.
The trip ended up to be my favourite trip I've ever taken. Even though it was only a 5-hour train ride from Nottingham, I felt like I was in another World because of how different I was.

Solo traveling is so liberating and freeing, I wonder why I didn't do it earlier.
There's always this thing about safety, and the fear Taken has instilled in all parents for them to ever let their child go anywhere alone, but it's not all that bad.
To me, you can go anywhere in the World with a group of people, if you aren't cautious of your surroundings, it's still going to be dangerous anyway.
Edinburgh is relatively safe, but the trip could take a turn for the worst had I not been careful.
I made sure to not do anything stupid, not to walk back alone too late, literally..just common sense.

But not just traveling, I feel like sometimes doing anything alone is better.
I've personally never liked shopping with someone else, I like taking my own sweet time with my retail therapy, and that might not be the case with some people.
Seeing them wait outside the store or lug themselves around me freaks me out and I'm always so pressured to be quick and rush my purchases, only to regret them later.
When I shop alone, I make purchasing decisions for myself, not caring if anyone likes them or judging me about the amount of money I tend to splurge on myself....

Also! Eating alone is definitely not sad.
Don't get me wrong, conversations over coffee and cakes is one of my favourite pastimes.
If you text me for a meet up when I'm free, you bet my ass gon' be there.
I semi-hate texting and phone calls, and much prefer meeting someone personally, so casual hangouts are just my thing. I can spend hoooo-urs talking, I'll even tell you my life story if you let me.
But I've got a rather unique, not-so-Malaysian tastebud. I don't eat rice, veggies aren't my thing, I try eating healthy but I want some flavour in my food, I love cakes but not the sweet kind. It's weird.
Sometimes people don't like the things I eat, I totally get it. I wouldn't eat with me if I were you, too.
But I still gotta eat, right? I get you and all, but I like my kind of food. If that means I'm gonna have to have them by myself at an odd hour on a weekday, so be it.
I don't necessarily enjoy awkward phone-scrolling lunch breaks, but I really don't mind it.
I get to eat my favourite foods, and I get time to stalk my crushes on the low. A win-win, really.

The last time I had a boyfriend was almost 4 years ago, and absolutely no action since. LOL.
That may seem like a freaking lifetime to some, "some" being the person I feel like I was before.
My god, the rush I was in to get into another relationship. But whyyyyyy, young Tania?
My 4 years of solo saw many relationships crash, made it to the altar, and gone stronger or weaker.
To be honest, I'm pretty glad I stayed boy-less for the most parts of my late teen.
I was going through some real indecisive things, and I don't need a man to complicate things.
Not gonna lie, there were more than a handful of times I've seen some things that made me want to have someone with me all the time, but I trust God's plans with these things.
Isn't all too bad being single in my early twenties. I get to create more friendships without anything (or anyone) stopping me, I do so many of my decision by myself, I get to use this time to build a more concrete relationship with parents & siblings.
Of course, I do plan to meet someone sometime soon, but whenever the time comes.

I genuinely believe that to achieve the things I want, to really be happy with where I am now, to have someone love me, is when I go out and achieve things myself, love the things and place I am in now, and to love myself before I let anyone love me.
It's going to take a while for all that, but I'm willing to do things on my own for a little more time to get all that.