Lonesome

Being lonely is often seen as a curse, but I enjoy some time off anybody's company.
I love being friends with the people I'm friends with, and being around people I surround myself with,
but there's just this thing about having absolutely no one else and also absolutely loving it.

A friend tweeted an article about this bunch of 20-somethings experiences on their solo travels,
and I was so inspired. Being that young and having traveled by themselves half way across the World.
Many of them traveled out of pure spontaneity, and some even to clear their mind from breakups.
I'd need to actually be in a relationship to escape out of it, but imagine having so much anger in you and letting it all out with purchasing tickets to another city on the next available date.

I've actually traveled solo myself, but I don't know if it really counts.
It was during my 21st birthday, it was in the midst of exams and no one could spare some time.
But it was my damn 21st birthday, I wasn't going to spend it on my bed watching shows. I looked up the nearest city I could go without breaking the bank, on the nearest date possible.
Found Edinburgh pretty interesting and that was that.
Train ticket booked, airbnb sorted. Was leaving the next day, told the parents the night before.
Arrived in a city foreign enough to get a little lost the second I reached, but I loved every second of it.
I'm so grateful the people of Edinburgh were amazingly helpful, it made the trip so much better.
I stayed in an apartment with 2 Americans who have been residing in Scotland for almost 6 years, they decided to move half way across the world on their first vacation to England - ever.
That's a whole level of spontaneity that I can only dream to achieve.

I spent my 3 days in Scotland just doing things I wanted to do, things I loved.
Had cakes for breakfast, breakfast for dinner. Left the house at 6am and took a 40 minute walk to the train station in January weather, spent my nights in different bars (met a couple that loved my name so much that they wanted to name their next child after me), talking to strangers at every corner.
I had no one's rules to follow, I had no one to tell me what to do. I could do everything I wanted to.
The trip ended up to be my favourite trip I've ever taken. Even though it was only a 5-hour train ride from Nottingham, I felt like I was in another World because of how different I was.

Solo traveling is so liberating and freeing, I wonder why I didn't do it earlier.
There's always this thing about safety, and the fear Taken has instilled in all parents for them to ever let their child go anywhere alone, but it's not all that bad.
To me, you can go anywhere in the World with a group of people, if you aren't cautious of your surroundings, it's still going to be dangerous anyway.
Edinburgh is relatively safe, but the trip could take a turn for the worst had I not been careful.
I made sure to not do anything stupid, not to walk back alone too late, literally..just common sense.

But not just traveling, I feel like sometimes doing anything alone is better.
I've personally never liked shopping with someone else, I like taking my own sweet time with my retail therapy, and that might not be the case with some people.
Seeing them wait outside the store or lug themselves around me freaks me out and I'm always so pressured to be quick and rush my purchases, only to regret them later.
When I shop alone, I make purchasing decisions for myself, not caring if anyone likes them or judging me about the amount of money I tend to splurge on myself....

Also! Eating alone is definitely not sad.
Don't get me wrong, conversations over coffee and cakes is one of my favourite pastimes.
If you text me for a meet up when I'm free, you bet my ass gon' be there.
I semi-hate texting and phone calls, and much prefer meeting someone personally, so casual hangouts are just my thing. I can spend hoooo-urs talking, I'll even tell you my life story if you let me.
But I've got a rather unique, not-so-Malaysian tastebud. I don't eat rice, veggies aren't my thing, I try eating healthy but I want some flavour in my food, I love cakes but not the sweet kind. It's weird.
Sometimes people don't like the things I eat, I totally get it. I wouldn't eat with me if I were you, too.
But I still gotta eat, right? I get you and all, but I like my kind of food. If that means I'm gonna have to have them by myself at an odd hour on a weekday, so be it.
I don't necessarily enjoy awkward phone-scrolling lunch breaks, but I really don't mind it.
I get to eat my favourite foods, and I get time to stalk my crushes on the low. A win-win, really.

The last time I had a boyfriend was almost 4 years ago, and absolutely no action since. LOL.
That may seem like a freaking lifetime to some, "some" being the person I feel like I was before.
My god, the rush I was in to get into another relationship. But whyyyyyy, young Tania?
My 4 years of solo saw many relationships crash, made it to the altar, and gone stronger or weaker.
To be honest, I'm pretty glad I stayed boy-less for the most parts of my late teen.
I was going through some real indecisive things, and I don't need a man to complicate things.
Not gonna lie, there were more than a handful of times I've seen some things that made me want to have someone with me all the time, but I trust God's plans with these things.
Isn't all too bad being single in my early twenties. I get to create more friendships without anything (or anyone) stopping me, I do so many of my decision by myself, I get to use this time to build a more concrete relationship with parents & siblings.
Of course, I do plan to meet someone sometime soon, but whenever the time comes.

I genuinely believe that to achieve the things I want, to really be happy with where I am now, to have someone love me, is when I go out and achieve things myself, love the things and place I am in now, and to love myself before I let anyone love me.
It's going to take a while for all that, but I'm willing to do things on my own for a little more time to get all that.