Unapologetic

Ever since I could remember, I'd always been really scared to voice out on my own opinion.
Not because I'm afraid of my own self, I'm afraid of what people would say or think about me.
This was the result of having a self-esteem the size of an ant's baby's hands since I was little.

I was a cute baby, really, not gonna lie. But that cute baby fat didn't leave me until like, a year ago.
It's so sad to look back at my primary school years and hate it so much to block it out of my memory completely. I mean it. The only thing I remembered from my pre-teens was running back and forth from the canteen to my classroom to get a bunch of girls, I stupidly took as my "friends", bottles of water and nuggets. With my own money. 
Because they were all too pretty and I was all too "lucky" to take being their friend for granted.

Then came the teen years. I moved out of that hell hole neighborhood bunch of schools, to the school my mum was teaching in. Although everyone was new in Form 1, I was like, new new.
No one knew me. Heard, seen, talked about, nothing. Which was great! New! Start!
There, I met a bunch of friends that were so warm to me that it actually felt so foreign.
Sure, I lost a couple of pounds prior to entering secondary school, but I didn't turn into freaking Adriana Lima overnight or anything. My new friends actually..liked me. Fat and all.

Off-topic side note:
Over the years, I grew closer and further from some of them. To anyone reading this below the age of 19, trrrrust me, you discover your real friends that'll stick with you forever after school.
That's 'cause you might think you're close to them, but maybe you're actually like that because school is a trapped 4 walls of forced friendship battle war zone. And you've got no choice.
I know that was my case. Because once I left school, I realized that I was only going to get out of bed for a handful of people, voluntarily.
The rest? "Hello? *cough* Alamak, sorry lah. Not feeling too well". 

My secondary school years were much better, only because I had better friends and more tolerance to B$. But the teenage drama was very much present, and the cause of my burning inner bitch.
Picture this. Being a timid, insecure teenager, with so much to lash out on but can't, because I'm scared of other teenage girls who are the same, only not scared of other teenage girls. Not cute.
One of the things I remember from my secondary school years was constantly chanting to myself Don't ruin this, Tania. You've got it so good, don't ruin this. 
Which, looking back at it now, made me understand how right my ex-boyfriend was when he said I had no spine and absolutely no idea how to defend myself.
He may be the bane of my existence, but the boy's got a point.

In my friends' defense, I wasn't like that because they made me like that. I was like that, thanks to my childhood friends that called me a stuffed marshmallow in a prefect's uniform when I was 10. Those girls (read: pre-puberty monsters) scarred the living shit outta me for the rest of my life.
I remember once being called "thirsty for attention" because I kept denying when people called me pretty. Okay, so:
1) Thirsty is a fucking understatement. I am in a drought. Try having tan, acne-prone skin, hair that greases after a day without wash, with thunder thighs and being centre stage in a world that worships commercial beauty.
2) After being called a fatso and have children song lyrics remade to tease you in school vans on the way home by your classmates, being called pretty is a lil unreal. Give me a break.

Fast forward, I'm 20 and a lil over 3 months now.
Do I still magnify all my flaws in the mirror? Sure, who doesn't. But I don't hate myself for them anymore, growing up made me realize that if you're not happy with you, people can say they worship you and you still won't believe them.
I'm writing this after so long because someone said something to me on Twitter and I didn't reply back, because I was afraid. Again, not afraid I was wrong, afraid of what others would think.
Then,

Realization #1:

How come they're allowed to say what they want,

and I can't?

Realization #2:

Wait, but why can't I?

There's a reply button on Twitter for a reason, no?

Realization #3:

It's not their fault I feel like this. It's my own.

I've probably three friends I can comfortably speak about my love for Korean music.

I freaking love k-pop, the language, the boys, the people. But very so often, people shut me out the second I mention it, like I'd have to be so careful talking about something I absolutely love.

I've got a separate account on Twitter just for my k-pop, which, come to think of it, is ridiculous. 

How is it that other people with a more "socially-accepting" interest like football or makeup or freaking women in bikinis are welcome to spam the living shit out of everyone and no one bats an eyelid, but the moment I talk about how much I enjoyed yesterday's korean drama episode, people go all "Thereeee she goes again with her k-pop!" ?

Do people think I give a shit about half the things they talk about on their social media compared to how they give a shit about my obsession with Koreans? No. 

But I tolerate anyway, because I'm all for everyone being passionate about what they love. 

I followed you on twitter because you mean enough to me for me to voluntarily see a glimpse of your life, your interests that don't interest me in any way included. 

I've got so much to say about so many things. How I feel about politics, how I feel about my own opinions, why I think some things should remain/change because of my own reasons, why I like my preference of taste/music/fashion. 

And from now on, I'm going to be unapologetic for thinking or feeling how I want to feel or think. 

So a warning from me as of now, unfollow me on every social media if you don't agree. 

I'm probably not going to apologize for:

1) Spamming clips after a concert on Snapchat or Instagram. 

2) Retweeting photos of Korean men on every social media I own.

3) Tweeting my thoughts; I've got a (believe it or not) strong stand on most of my tweets, even though I don't show it enough when people question me about it. 

4) Snapchatting.. anything, really. I don't keep track on who follows or don't follow me there, so I don't get why people keep complaining they have to skip so much of my Korean shows when they see me on their feed. Like, unfollowing takes one touch, dude. 

5) Not liking something everyone else does. And I'm not going to explain myself for it. 

6) Not liking someone everyone else does. And, again, I'm not going to explain myself for it.

I'm all for everyone having a say, too, don't get me wrong. 

You just do you, and I'll do me. 

So, nice chat, everyone.

Hoping to see more positive vibes from everyone and especially myself. 

감사합니다, 안녕!

x

Tania